
T.^ . DENiSON & eOWPANY CHICAGO 



e 



^rj^^^^^^p^ 






DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (25c) 8 8 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1%. 

hrs. (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2^/^ 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Arabian Nights, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 45 
As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y2 hrs (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 

Bu'sy Liar, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

College Town, 3 acts, 2^4 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Corner Drug Store, 1 hr. 

(25c) 17 14 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs ..74 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^/4 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr. . . . (25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1^ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyc^th, 3 acts, 1 ^ hrs. 

••C?5c) 7 6 

Face Sit*the Window, 3 acts, 2 

••Hrs (25c) 4 4 

Fascinators, 40 min. . . . , . (25c) 13 
Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

11/2 hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoctown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs '. (25c) 8 4 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2^/^ 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
Tayville Junction, l^^ hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 6 12 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2% h..(25c) 9 4 



M. F. 

Light Brigade, 40 min (25c) 10 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2%. hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes^ 1 hr.(25c)13 
Lonelyville Social C!lub, 3 acts, 

iVz hrs (25c) 10 

Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 2 

Man from Nevada, 4 acts, 2% 

hrs (25c) 9 5 

Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. 

New Woman, 3 acts, 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, 1J4 hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Ilick'ry Holler, 

1^ hrs (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Prairie Rose, 4 acts, 2J^ hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1^ hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper, 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 
Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 21/^ h. 8 3 
Southern Cinderella^ 3 acts, 2 

hrs .(25c) 7 

Third Degree, 40 min (25c) 12 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Tony, The Convict, 5 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Topp's Twins, 4 acts, 2 h.(25c) 6 4 
Town Marshal, 4 acts, 2J^ 

hrs (25c) 6 3 

Trip to Storyland, 1]4 hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2^ hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. (25c) 5 3 
Women Who Did, 1 hr. . . (25c) 17 
Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor; The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Bad Job, 30 min 3 2 

Betsy Baker, 45 min 2 2 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min. ...... 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 

Box and Cox, 35 min 2 1 

Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Convention of Papas, 25 min.. 7 

Country Juj?tice. 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,PublishersJ54W.Randolph St., Chicago 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE 



A COLLEGE FARCE IN THREE ACTS 



A COMPANION PLAY TO A COLLEGE TOWN 



BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF 

'Aaron Boggs, Freshman," "Abbu San of Old Japan/' ''Civil 
Service;' ''A College Town," ''The Fascinators," "Laughing 
Water," "Macbeth a la Mode," "Mrs. Tiibbs of Shanty- 
town," "Parlor Matches," "A Poor Married Man," 
"Rose o' My Heart," "A Rustic Romeo," 
"Sewing for Me Heathen," "A South- 
ern Cinderella," "Savag eland," 
Etc., Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE 



CHARACTERS. 

BooTLES Benbow A Popular Senior 

Tad Cheseldine The College Cut-up 

Leviticus The Ace of Spades 

Scotch McAllister A Hard Student 

Shorty Long On the Glee Club 

Slivers Magee A Happy Junior 

Mr. Benjamin J. Benbow Booties' Father 

Mr. Sandy McCann Coach of the Dramatic Club 

Officer Riley . ,From the Emerald Isle 

Mr. Gears Of the Speed Motor Car Company 

Jonquil Gray The Little Chauffeur 

Betty Benbow Booties' Sister 

Mrs. B. J. Benbow. Her Mother, a Suffragette 

''Ma'" Baggsby A Popular Landlady 

Mrs. Mehitabel McCann. A Jealous Wife 

Selina McCann Aged Thirteen 

Miss Juliet Snobbs The College Stenographer 

, Mlle. Mimi Fleurette . . .A French Costumer 

Salamanca Spivins A Black Wash-lady 

Act I. A College Boarding House. Booties' first little 
wife. 

Act IL Suite in Honeymoon Flats. Booties' second 
little^ wife. 

Acii.in. Same scene as Act H. Booties' third little 

wife.' — 

Place — Any .College Town. 

Time — Present Day. 

Time of Playing — About Tzvo Hours and Fifteen Minutes. 

Notice. — Production of this play is free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights are reserved by the author, who may be ad- 
dressed in care of the Publishers. 

copyright, 1916, BY EBEN H. NORRI^. ♦vO^ 

©OLD 4 8892 

MAY 13 1916 



?",- 



KICKED-" OUT OF COLLEGE. 



"Oh, college days, dear college days. 
The years may come, the years may go, 

But still my thoughts will ever turn 
To college days of long ago." 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 

Booties Benbow, the most popular boy in college, is so 
busy with inventing a patent air brake and with, his various 
social and athletic activities that he finds it impossible to 
go to class. Accordingly he is dropped from the roll and 
is ''kicked out of college." This news is received at the 
college boarding house when the lads are in the midst of a 
rehearsal for the annual college play. Booties' father ar- 
rives and is furious to think that his son has wasted his 
opportunities at college. He threatens to disinherit Booties, 
but promises to relent if Booties will marry and settle down. 
Sandy McCann,.the coach of the dramatic club, is always 
trying to ''fix" things for his friends. He therefore informs 
Mr. Benbow that Booties is already married and introduces 
Booties' roommate, Tad Cheseldine, who is the leading 
"lady" of the college play, as Booties' wife. 

The scheme works successfully. Booties and Tad move 
to Honeymoon Flats and live oflf the fat of the land, enter- 
taining the college boys every night and doing as they please 
by day. Booties completes his blue print drawing of his 
patent air brake and sends it to the Speed Motor Car Com- 
pany. In the meantime the supply of money provided by 
Mr. Benbow is running short. A colored wash-lady, one 
Salamanca Spivins, calls to collect a bill and discovers the 
fact that the so-called Mrs. Benbow is a man in disguise. 
She informs the police and immediate discovery is pre- 
vented only by additional advice from the ever-ready Sandy. 
Why not introduce another wife? No sooner said than 
done, and Mile. Fleurette, a French costumer, is introduced 
as Booties' wife. She is wife No. 2. 



4 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

A suffrage parade is held and Booties' father and mother 
arrive to visit him. Both wives appear on the scene at 
the same time and Mrs. Benbow, Sr., is informed by the 
faithful Sandy that Booties has joined the Mormons and 
has two wives. 

Booties' father is not so easily taken in. He employs 
a detective to search, out the truth. This detective is really 
an absurd Irish, policeman, and when he tries to disguise 
himself as a Freshman he is hazed by the students and 
tossed in a blanket. At last the truth comes out. Mr, Ben- 
bow threatens to disinherit his son, but the agent of the 
Motor Car Company accepts Booties' air brake and makes 
him a liberal offer for it. The faculty reconsider Booties' 
expulsion and he is allowed to re-enter college. Under the 
circumstances his father relents and he wins the hand of 
Miss Jonquil Gray and promises soon to introduce her as 
his third little wife. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I. Room in ''Ma" Baggsby's college boarding house. 
College pranks. The new ''fawncy dawnces." Tad Ches- 
eldine, the college cut-up, and his chum. Booties Benbow. 
''I've always told Booties that he ought to go to class at 
least once a week." The auto race. A rehearsal for the 
college play. ''They say the cheild is in London." Betty 
and Jonquil visit the college. "I thought you were my 
long-lost darling baby!" Jonquil and Booties each think 
the other deaf. Kicked out of college. "Get married and 
settle down!" Booties introduces his first little wife. 

Act II. Suite of rooms in Honeymoon Flats. The Ben- 
bows entertain. Salamanca Spivins, the black wash-lady, 
on a rampage. "Booties, pay the lady what you owe her." 
"Pay her yourself, you're my wife." "He's done gone and 
married a nian!" Booties at work on his patent air brake. 
Fleurette, the lady from gay Paree. Salamanca returns 
with Riley, the cop. Booties introduces his second liUle 
wife. A little tea party. The suffragette parade. Tlic jeal- 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 5 

ous Mrs. McCann makes it hot for Sandy. ''How many 
wives have you?'' ''He's joined the Mormons and hath 
taken unto himself two wives, and they're both suffragettes." 
Act HL Same as Act H. Booties tries to explain. 
"The doctor positively forbids me to kiss anyone ; it's not 
good for my conTplexion." Mr. Benbow begins to be sus- 
picious. Riley, the cop, becomes a detective. "Not one 
penny of my money will ever come his way." "My wife, 
Flora McFlimsy." Jonquil and Betty get wise. "Im aw- 
fully glad you're not married, Booties." Riley, disguised 
as a Freshman, gets the third degree. A trip to the moon. 
Mr. Gears offers Booties five thousand dollars for his in- 
vention. Booties becomes a student once again. The third 
little wife. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

BooTLES — A good-looking youth of about twenty. Sporty 
college clothes for Act I. On first entrance wear auto coat, 
cap, gauntlets and goggles. Neat summer suit for Act II. 
The same for Act III. 

Tad — Bright, quick in movement, loud in voice. Gaudy 
college clothes in Act I. Change to female costume com- 
plete, with silk hose, girl's pumps, corsets, yellow wig, red 
paper muslin dress covered with tiny black ruffles of mos- 
quito bar edged with red crepe paper. Large red hat, para- 
sol and shopping bag. In Act II white summer suit. Change 
to same female costume as in Act I. 

Leviticus — Negro make-up. Funny clothes, large shoes, 
etc. Butler's apron. In Act II wear a cook's cap. In Act 
III, funny top hat, cane, etc. 

Scotch — Wig of very long hair, tiny cap, eccentric 
clothes too small for him. Large library spectacles. Stud- 
ies on all occasions. 

Shorty — Snappy college clothes. 

Slivers — Similar to Shorty. 

Mr. Benbow — Aged fifty-five. Gray wig and mustache. 



6 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Neat summer suit of a prosperous business man. Speaks 
loud and commandingly. Carries a small tin box of crack- 
ers in his pocket. Nose glasses. 

McCann— Funny little man with red hair and mustache. 
Loud clothes. Aged thirty-five. 

Riley — Irish make-up. Red wig, whiskers all around 
face, etc. Policeman's suit, hat and club. 

Mr. Gears — Similar to Mr. Benbow. 

Jonquil — Aged nineteen. Neat auto dress and bonnet 
in Act I. Summer dress with parasol in Act III. 

Betty — Similar to Jonquil. 

Mrs. Benbow — Gray hair, lorgnettes, fashionable sum- 
mer clothes. 

Mrs. Baggsby — Calico^ dress in Act I. Gray hair, glasses. 
Plump figure. Old-fashioned dress, shawl and bonnet in 
Act 11. 

Mrs. McCann — Played by large woman with loud voice, 
aged thirty-three. Neat walking costume for summer. 
Umbrella. 

Selina. Aged thirteen. Short dress, tam cap, etc. Sum- 
mer clothes. 

Juliet — Rather loud summer dress and hat. 

Fleurette — Similar to Juliet. In Act II wear red dress 
similar to Tad's, with parasol, bag and hat to match. 

Salamanca — Negro make-up ; weighs about 250 pounds. 
Bright calico dress. Gaudy coat and hat. Carries basket 
of clothes. 

Notice — All songs are sung to old college airs familiar 
to everyone. However, they can all be found in the book, 
''College Songs/' which we will send postpaid upon receipt 
of price, fifty cents. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

PROPERTIES. 

Act L 
Golf bag with clubs, tennis racket. 
Note books, tobacco jar, pipe. 
Ornaments for bookcase. 
Loving cups, pictures for mantel. 
Football pictures, posters, funny signs, 

pennants for the walls. 
Mandolins, guitars. 
Auto horn to be used back of scenes. 
Large pasteboard box for Fleurette. 
Umbrella for Mehitable. 
Letter for Juliet. 
Telegram for Mr. B. 

Act II. 
Pennants, pictures for the walls. 
Playing cards, poker chips, etc. 
Tray with glasses for coca-cola for Leviticus. 
Large covered clothes-basket for Sal. 
Feather duster for Sal. 
Costume box for Fleurette. 
Five-dollar bill for Riley. 
Banners, -horns, pennants for suffragette song. 

Act hi. 
Tin box of crackers for Mr. B. 
A one-dollar bill for Mr. B. 
Wrist watch for Betty. 
Parasol for Jonquil. 
Strong canvas blanket for Shorty. 
Contract for Gears. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 



SCENE PLOT. 



Act I. 



Window /Hall BackingX 
_J L L 1 Door U- A 



C=S. 



Door to 



Piano 
Old 



Dining Room g^^^ 



i 



Fire 
Place 



Door |- 



Chair °°°' *° 
[— I Booties' Room 

□ Large Chair , \ 

Morris □ Deski D ChairX 

Chair "tt— ' \ 

Waste Basket O \ 



Acts II and III. 



Bed 



/ Chairs 

— ^ n n 

Door /-Sr Door 

n frabl^ D 



JI 



IL 



Door to Street 



□ 

Easy Chair 






STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R., means right of the stage; C, center; R. C./right cen- 
ter; L., left; I E., first entrance; U.E., upper entrance; 
R. J E., right entrance up stage, etc.; R.D,, right door; 
L. D., left door, etc. ; up stage, away from footHghts; down 
stage, near footHghts. The actor is supposed to be facing 
the audience. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE 



Act L 



Scene: The sitting-room of a college boarding house. 
Time, io:jo on a morning in May. Lights on full through- 
out the act. Window in rear scene at R. C, door in rear 
scene at L. C, showing hall beyond. Entrances R. (to 
dining-room) and L. (to Bootles" room). Carpet down. 
Curtains at zvindozvs. Flat-top desk down L. On it are 
student's lamp, many large books, golf bags with clubs, tennis 
racquet, note books, tobacco jars, pipes, etc. Desk chair at 
R. of desk facing front. Waste paper basket near desk. 
Bookcase up L. with ornaments on top. Large Morris chair 
at C. Old sofa doivn R. C. covered zdth bright college pil- 
lozvs. Fireplace dozvn R. zvith fender, etc., but no fire. 
Mantel shelf over this fireplace with loz'ing cups, framed 
football pictures, etc., on it. Old piano up R. (If this is 
not available, substitute tea table zmth chafing dish, etc.) 
Football pictures, posters, funny signs, pennants, tennis 
racquets, etc., on wall. 

Before the curtain rises the boys are heard singing 
''Boola'' or some similar snappy college song. 

BQOLA SONG. 

^ Away, way down on the old Swanee, 

Where the rippHng waves are dancing to and fro, 
The soft perfume from o'er the lea 

Tells where the sweet magnolia blossoms grow. 
There's where my Adelina dwells, 

'Mid fairy sylvan dells, 
She laughs and sings the whole day through, 

Boola, Boo, Boola, 'oola, Boola, Boo. 

The curtain ibises slowly and Slivers, Shorty and Scotch 
zuith six or more mandolin and guitar players and singers 

9 



10 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

are discovered on the stage, singing and playing on mando- 
lins and guitars. Slivers sits in desk chair with both feet on 
desk, A student sits cross-legged on desk. Shorty on sofa 
with three other singers. Scotch studying hard with open 
hook on table and both arms on book. Other students' 
grouped around stage in characteristic lounging attitudes, 
one lying with his back on the floor and his feet on the 
arms of the sofa. The curtain rises as they sing the chorus 
of the song. 

Chorus. 

Adelina, Adelina, I'll be waiting, Adelina, 
When the silver moon is beaming, 
Then Til meet you, Adeline. 

(Repeat chorus softly,) 

Her long and wavy nut-brown hair 
Is tossing out upon the summer breeze ; 

Her sparkling eyes are wondrous fair, 
Her voice like the music in the trees. 

I ask her when she'll be my bride. 

Her head she turns aside, 

And laughs and sings the whole day through, 

Boola, Boo, Boola, 'oola, Boola, Boo. 

Adelina, Adelina, I'll be waiting, Adelina, 
When the silver moon is beaming, 
Then I'll meet you, Adeline. 

(Repeat chorus softly.) 

During the singing of the chorus Slivers rises and prac- 
tices a fancy dance step at C. in a grotesque manner. 

Shorty. What's the matter. Slivers — having St. Vitus 
dance ? 

Slivers. Naw, I'm practicing the lame duck for the 
Senior ball. It's the latest step. 

Scotch (looking up). Lame duck? Looks more to me 
like an ossified goose. 

Slivers (mournfidly) . Haw, haw, haw! Scotch has 
pulled a joke. Now, fellows, altogether! 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 11 

Students (mournfully). Haw, haw, haw! 

Scotch. Oh, you fellows make me weary. Lemme 
alone; I got to study. 

Slivers Hit up a one-step on the piano. Slats. I want 
to teach you Freshmen the latest fawncy dawnces. 

Shorty. The last time you taught us the kangaroo walk 
I couldn't get a girl at the ball to go on the floor with me. 

Slivers. This one is different. Come on, now. Get 
your partners. (All select partners except Scotch, zvho 
studies. Student plays the piano, , All dance ballroom 
dance in grotesque fashion. The music increases in tempo 
and the dancers dance faster. Finally enter Leviticus from 
R. He watches them a moment, then starts to jig by him- 
self, calling off figures. ) . 

Leviticus. For de land sakes, what's goin' on here, any- 
how? Is dis de Senior ball or a promenade? (Calls out.) 
Salute your partners! Honors all! Do de bomba-shay! 
Sashay all and all promenade around de big fat lady in de 
corner. 

Eight of the boys form an old-fashioned quadrille, or 
Virgina reel. All dance, Leviticus calling figures and jig- 
ging by himself. When noise is greatest enter Ma 
Baggsby from R. 

Ma. My goodness to Susan, whatever's going on in 
here? I never heard such, a racket in all my born days — 
and at ten o'clock in the morning. What will the neigh- 
bors say ? Stop it, stop it. The whole house will be arrested. 

Slivers (dancing wildly). Come on and be my partner, 
Ma. (Swings her around.) 

Ma. Now, you Slivers Magee, you let me be. What 
would Brother Bascom say? I'm a Methodist born and a 
Methodist bred and I never did believe in such carryin-on. 
Ain't you ashamed of yourself? And besides, I've got five 
custard pies baking in the oven. 

Slivers. Five custard pies! Did you say five? 

Ma. Yes, I did, and if you jolt the house so, the pies will 
fall, and you'll all have to eat corn-bread for dessert. 



12 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Shorty (at L. C). Oh, we'll stop right away. Please, 
Ma, don't dessert us on corn-bread. 

Ma {down C). Then no more monkey shines. 

Slivers {at R.). Nary a shine. Say, Ma, can I have 
two pieces of pie for dinner? I made 'em stop dancing. 

Ma. Well, maybe you can. 

Leviticus {dozvn R.). It sure makes dis yere coon hun- 
gry all time hearin' 'bout dat custard pie. Umm! I ain't 
had nothin' to eat since de last time. 

Slivers (shakes hands zvith Ma). You're all right, Ma. 
Best landlady in town ; ain't she, fellows ? 

Students (sttrrounding Ma at C). You bet! 

Shorty (loudly). What's the matter with Ma Baggsby? 

Students {loudly). She's all right! 

Shorty. Who's all right? 

Students. Ma Baggsby! 

Shorty. Who's the best landlady in town? Who's the 
best cook in town ? Who's the best Ma in town ? 

Students. Ma Baggsby! 

Shorty. Now, then, fellows, all together. 

Students (quickly). Rah, rah, rah! Rah, rah, rah! Rah, 
rah, rah! Ma Baggsby! 

Ma. Oh, hush up. You do make me so flustrated. 

Leviticus (at R.). Say, what's de matter wif little 
Leviticus ? 

Students (groan) . Oh ! 

Leviticus. Now, then, all together. Nine rah.s fo' little 
Leviticus. 

(Students g^6> through pantomime of nine rahs, hut not a 
sound is heard.) 

Leviticus (disgusted). Dat's de dog-gonedest sickest 
nine rahs dat ebber I heard in ma life. 

Tad Cheseldine (outside C). Llello, in there. All you 
hard students, hello ! 

Shorty. It's Tad Cheseldine. (All go to ivindow or 
door and look out.) 

Slivers {looking off stage). Hello, Tad Cheseldine! 
Where are you going? 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 13 

Tad. Coming right here. {Throws in hooks at wmdozi' 
or door. Slivers catches them.) Get 'em, Slivers? 

Slivers. You bet ! 

Tad. That's a good dog. Wag your tail. 

Ma (throws up her hands in horror). It's Tad Ches- 
eldine. Now my custard pies never will get set. 

Enter Tad from C. wearing cap and smoking pipe. He 
comes down C. surrounded by students. 

Tad {removing cap). Hello, Ma. You're looking as 
sweet and rosy as a little pink primrose. Honest, Ma, you 
get younger and better looking every day. 

Leviticus. Man, you'd better tie dat bull outside. 

Tad {laughs). And my old dusky Romeo, Leviticus. 
How's the hen roosts, old top? 

Leviticus. Man, I don't know nuffin' 'bout no hen 
roosts. I'se reformed. 

Tad. Reformed? 

Leviticus. Yas, sah, I'se done give up ma sinful ways. 
I'se jined de church an' was baptized in de ribber last Sun- 
day mornin'. 

Tad {at C). No wonder the water looks muddy. Say, 
where's Booties? 

Ma. He's been out in his automobile ever since seven 
o'clock this morning. That boy does nothing but ride morn- 
ing, noon and night. He never even pretends to go to 
school any more. I don't know what the world's a com- 
ing to. 

Tad. Professor Popp certainly was on his high horse 
this morning. We had a term final in botany and Booties 
wasn't there. Popp raised Ned and said he'd call a special 
meeting of the faculty. Booties has only been to class twice 
this year, and it's the middle of May. 

Slivers {at L.). I'll bet a dollar to a doughnut that 
Booties don't graduate with the class. 

Tad. Why not ? 

Slivers. He'll be canned. 

Tad (at C). What! Can Booties? The man who won 
the Goldmark Cup in the auto races? AMiy. he's the most 



14 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

famous man in the whole darned school. He's the boy who 
put our college on the front page of every paper in the 
country. It isn't every college that can boast of a speed 
king. 

Scotch. That's right. Booties is all right. But if he 
once gets old Popp down on him, and Mrs. Popp ! Good 
night ! He might as well buy his return ticket and pack his 
little steamer trunk at once. 

Tad. Oh, Popp's easy. He's pretty sore now, but it'll 
blow over all right. 

Ma. I've always told Booties he ought to go to class 
at least once a week. It don't seem respectable not to go 
at all. What would his father say? 

Tad. When a man is as busy as Booties is, he don't have 
time to go to class. Why, he's the president of the Town 
Automobile Club, secretary of the Golf Club, leader of the 
Mandolin Club, star actor of the Dramatic Club, pitcher 
of the baseball nine, champion boxer and fencer and the 
best dancer and fastest speeder in the county. The idea of 
wanting a man like that to go to class ! Besides, he's making 
an invention. 

Shorty. What's he inventing? A new dance step or a 
necktie ? 

Tad. Neither one. A patent air brake for touring cars. 
Its a perfect wonder. He took me out last Sunday and 
showed me the whole thing. 

Scotch. Was it a success? 

Tad. It's a bear. It stopped the car once every ten 
times. The car turned over, but that didn't make any dif- 
ference^ — it stopped. Gee ! I wish I was a genius. 
{Loud auto horn heard honking two or three times out C.) 

Ma. There he is now. That's him. That's Booties. 
{All rush to window and door at C.) 

BooTLES {off C). Hello, men! 

All. Hello, Booties. 

Tad. Hail to the Speed King. 

Boot, {off C.), Leviticus, are you there? {Honks horn 
again.) 

Leviticus. Yes, sah, I is. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 15 

Boot. Come out here and give my noble steed a drink 
of gasoline. 

Leviticus. Give his noble steed a drink? Dat dog-goned 
boy sure is crazy. 

Tad (calling out of window, looking dozvn). Come on 
up. I want to see you. 

Boot. In a minute. 

Enter Boot, at C. D., wearing cap, coat and goggles. He 
removes them and comes down C. surrounded by all. 

Ma. YouVe been out racing again. 

Boot. Just a little, Ma. 

Ma. It's a wonder you ain't killed. Every time you 
honk your horn I think they're bringing you home a man- 
gled corpse. 

Boot. Not me. I'm a long way from a corpse. Just 
wait till you see me at dinner. Say, fellows, I had the 
prettiest little race you ever saw in your life. 

All. a race. 

Boot. Bet your life, and it was some race, too. I was 
spinning- along King's- Highway, just lazy-Hke, going about 
42 miles an hour, when just as I reached the top of the hill 
I saw a little gray car in front of me. ''Honk, honk," say 
I. Never a word says the little gray car. ''Turn out !" yells 
I, "or I'll jump right over you." Little gray car starts to 
speed. "A race !" says I. I shot on the spark, threw open 
the gas and let her rip. (Bends over and gestures as if 
driving a racing car.) We reached the broad river road 
and sped along neck and neck for six miles. "Honk, honk,'' 
says I. "Honk, honk," says the little gray car. We hit the 
turn in the road and we're off in a bunch. 

All (leaning over breathlessly as though racing). Hur- 
ray! 

Leviticus. Go on, boy ; go on, boy ! I got my money on 
you! 

Boot. Then the little car began to creep ahead. Inch by 
inch she was beating me. Then I glanced at the driver, and 
whom do you think it was? 

Leviticus. Tracy Summers? (Insert local name.) 



16 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE.- 

Boot. It was a girl. 

All. a girl? 

Boot. A couple of girls. Can you beat that? A couple 
of girls ! 

Tad. Some of the village queens, I suppose. 

Ma (sniffs). Heavens! I smell something burning. 
It's the custard pies. (Runs out at R.) 

Leviticus. Gimme de leavings ; gimme de leavings. 
(Funny exit at R.) 

Shorty. Have you seen anything of our dramatic Sandy, 
Booties ? 

Boot. Not a sandy hair of Sandy's sandy head. What 
time is the rehearsal to begin ? I want to go out riding again 
as soon as I can. Maybe I'll see my little chauffeur again. 

Tad (at L. C). Oh, Boots, I forgot to tell you. Profes- 
sor Popp jumped all over you in class this morning. 

Boot, (at R. C). Sorry I wasn't there to hear him. I 
always Hke to hear old Poppy when he jumps over me. It's 
as funny as the clown at the circus. What did he say? 

Tad. He said you'd only been to class twice since Sep- 
tember. 

Boot. By George, that's right. And now it's the middle 
of May. I can't imagine why I went to class the second 
time. 

Tad. He said your attendance was a disgrace to the 
college. 

Boot. Maybe he's right. Yes, now that I come to think 
about it, I'm sure he's right. 

Tad. You'd better look out. He's going to report you 
at faculty meeting this morning. 

Boot, (calmly). Is it possible? Poor old Popp. He gets 
more foolish every year. 

Tad. And he wound up by saying that it would be better 
for the discipline of the school if you took a little vacation 
till the end of the year. 

Boot. So that's what Professor Popp thinks, is it? Well, 
it's a good thing for me that he doesn't run the whole school. 

Scotch (zvho has been studying at table, rises and comes 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 17 

doum R,). Honest, Booties, you shouldn't cut classes the 
way you do. 

Boot, (turns to him). I beheve you're right, old man. 
Fm going to reform tomorrow. 

Scotch. That's right. Booties. That's the way I like to 
hear you talk. (Scotch returns to table and studies.) 

Enter Leviticus frojn R. 

Leviticus. Say, gemmans, excuse me for buttin' in, but 
de actor man has done arrived. 

Tad. The actor man? 

Leviticus. Yas, sah, dat Mr. McCann. 

Tad. Leviticus, show the gentleman up ; and remember 
to maintain the dignity and decorum of this important as- 
semblage. 

Leviticus. Jest hear dat boy talk. Ain't dat scandlous ? 
Man, you'se going to get de lock-jaw on some of dem big 
words some day. 

Slivers. Tell Sandy we're all ready. 

Leviticus. Yas, sah. Dat's jest what I was going to 
do. (Exit C. D.) 

Boot. Push back the furniture and let's get the rehearsal 
over in a hurry. (They do so.) 

Enter Sandy McCann from C. D, 

Sandy. Ah, ha, me noble Romans. We are well met. 

Students. Hello, Sandy. 

Sandy. And now for the rehearsal. Is everybody here ? 

Slivers. Pepper Jarvis couldn't some. He's laid up 
with the mumps. 

Sandy. Too bad. Well, we'll get someone to read Pep- 
per's part. Pve just been over to the costumer's. Did you 
try on your second act dress, Tad ? 

Tad. Yes, sir. My, it's an awful squeeze. Last year, 
when I played Jimmie's Aunt Jane, I couldn't breathe for 
a month ; but this is worse. Gee, I wish I was the come- 
dian or the hero ; anything but the leading lady. 

Boot. Oh, no, Tad, me boy. That suits you best. 
You're so ladylike. • 

Sandy. Do you know your lines, Tad? 



18 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Tad. Every word. Letter perfect. 

Sandy. We'll start where you make your first entrance. 

Tad (gomg up L. j E.). I come on from here. I trip de- 
murely down the center, all dressed in blue, with my hair 
in a braid down my back. 

Slivers (sings). ''And her golden hair was hanging 
down her back." 

Sandy. You're supposed to be picking the petals from 
a big red rose. 

Tad. Well, give me the big red rose. 

Slivers (pushes Shorty to Tad). Here it is. (Scotch 
is seated at desk studying hard from notebook. Tad goes 
to him and grabs notebook. Scotch opens large book and 
studies. ) 

Tad. This will do. (Goes to L. ^ E.) All ready, Sandy. 

Sandy. Line up, boys, for the College Boys' chorus. 

(Boys line up and sing ''A Stein Song'' or any other simi- 
lar college song, with appropriate gestures and steps.) 

Sandy. Very good. You need a little more pep. Slivers. 
And Shorty, you want to come out stronger on that high 
note. Now, where's the villain? 

Boot, (puts on black mustache). Here I am, yer honor. 
It's a dark, black night on the stormy deep. Just the night 
for our devilish work. 

Sandy. And where's Handsome Harry, the hero? 

Shorty. That's me. Lay but one hand upon that inno- 
cent girl and I'll shoot ye where you stand, Jack Dalton. 

Sandy. And is the leading lady ready? 

Tad. Bet yer boots. Lead on, Macduff. 

Sandy. Remember, you're picking the petals from a 
large red rose. 

Tad (tearing a leaf from the notebook). I got you. 
(Tears another.) 

Sandy (seated at R.). All right. Let her go. Come on. 
Flora. 

Tad (trips down C, speaking in a girlish voice). Good 
morrow, gentle sirs. Is this Spotless Town? 

Boot, (at R. C, a la rillain). Spotless Town? Indeed it 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 19 

ain't. This is (insert name of town where play is held). 

And nobody ever called a spotless town. Not with 

our present police force. 

Tad (tearing leaf from book). I've been picking roses 
all day, but alas, kind sirs, ntethinks I have lost me way. 
(Tears page.) 

Scotch (jumping up). Yes, and methinks you are tear- 
ing up me history notes. (Grabs Tad and scuffles.) 

Tad. Here, here. Don't be so rough with the leading 
lady. (Turns to Boot.) At larst, Basil Underwood, we 
meet face to face. 

Boot, (pulls mustache to one side). We do, Flora Mc- 
Flimsy; we do. 

Tad. Then where is me child? Me little cheild? 

Boot, (grasping Tad^s wrist). They say the cheild is in 
London. 

Tad. No, no ! 

Boot. And you shall follow^ her. (Striiggle witJi Tad.) 

Shorty (coming to them). Release that lady! 

Boot, (cringing) . Handsome Harr}^ the boy detective. 

Shorty. So, BasiF Underwood, this is some more of 
your dirty work. 

Tad. I want me cheild. I want me cheild. 

Boot (twirling mustache). Your cheild is in London. 

Shorty. That is a lie. 

Boot. You dare? 

Shorty. Aye, I dare. Madam, your cheild is in yonder 
room. 

Tad. Give her to me ! My baby, my baby ! 

Sandy. Scotch, you stand over there (points to C. D.) 
and be the long-lost cheild. 

Scotch. Not me. I ain't no play actor. 

Boot. Aw, go on. All you have to do is to come in 
when Tad says, ''My darling cheild." Then I embrace you. 

Scotch. Not me. You can't embrace me. 

Tad. Oh, go on. Scotch, be a good fellow. Be me long- 
lost cheild. 

Scotch. All right. (Exits C. D., then sticks Iiis head 



20 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

in,) Say, Booties, you want to go kind o' easy on that em- 
brace. My ribs ain't strong. (Exit CD.) 

Tad. Give her to me. My baby, my baby ! 

Boot. It's a He. I say the cheild is in London. 

Scotch (sticks his head in). Is this where I come in? 

Boot. Heavens, no! Not yet. (Exit Scotch.) 

Shorty. She is not in London. She is there in yonder 
room. (Points to CD.) 

Boot. The cheild in yonder room is me own little Rose- 
bud. 

Shorty. Your own? 

Boot. Yes. I'll call her and you shall see. (Calls.) 
Neuralgia, Neuralgia, come here ; papa wants you. 

Tad. Me darling cheild. (All look toward C D. Boot. 
advances with outstretched arms to C D.) 

Sandy. Come on, Scotch ; that's your cue. Give it to 
him again, Tad. 

Tad. Me darling cheild. 

Enter Jonquil Gray from C D. Boot, embraces her. 

Boot. Me cheild ! 

Jonquil (screams). Oh! 

Boot. A skirt ! Gee ! I thought it was me darling cheild. 

Enter Betty Benbow, C D. 

Betty. What is it? 

Jonquil. I don't know. We'd better go, Betty. I think 
we're in a lunatic asylum. 

Boot, (goes ^(9. Betty at C). Betty! 

Betty (kisses him). Brother. 

Tad (to Jonquil at L.). You see we were rehearsing 
for our college play. 

Boot. Yes, and I thought you were my long-lost darling 
baby. Boys, this is my sister. 

Students. Pleased to meet you. 

Betty. Thank you. And this is my friend, Miss Gray. 

Boot, (shaking hands zvith Jonquil). Charmed, I'm 
sure. 

Jonquil. I hope we're not intruding. 

Boot. Oh, not at all. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 21 

Tad (shaking hands zvith Betty). Vm Tad Cheseldine. 
Tm Booties' room-mate. Well, we must be going. See'yDu 
later, Booties. Come on, Sandy. We'll finish the rehearsal 
in my room. 

Sandy. Yes, but I have no objection to the ladies. 

Tad. Oh, we know that. But Boots wants to see his 
sister. Come on, boys. {Exit L.) 

Students. See you again. Booties. Pleased to have met 
the ladies, etc. {Exeunt Students at L.) 

Betty. Jonquil wants to see Mrs. Bagsby. She used 
to know her in San Francisco. 

Boot. I'll see where she is. Ma! Oh, Ma! (Exits R.) 

Jonquil. I never was so embarrassed in my life. Why, 
Betty, he embraced me. 

Betty. That's nothing. He's embraced me ever so 
many times. 

Jonquil. Yes, but you're his sister. 

Betty. Did you notice that Mr. Cheseldine? He's 
Booties' room-mate. I think he has the dearest complexion. 

Jonquil. I never saw so many men all together before 
in all my life. 

Betty. Neither didT. I think college life is just grand. 
We ought to drive over every week. 

Enter Boot, from R., foUozved by Ma. 

Ma. Why, Jonquil Gray! Of all things! 

Jonquil. Mrs. Baggsby; dear Mrs. Baggsby! (Em- 
brace.) 

Boot, (at L, to Betty). Say, Betty, your little friend is 
a peach, all right. She's made an awful hit with me. I 
hope I didn't queer myself when she came in. 

Betty. She said she never was so embarrased in her 
life. But, Booties, I'll bet a cookie she Hked it. 

Jonquil. Mrs. Baggsby, this is my friend, Miss Benbow. 

Ma. Booties' sister? (Shakes hands.) He often speaks 
of you. 

Jonquil. We drove over. I must look a sight. 

Ma. Come into my room and take off your things. 

Betty. Yes, go on. I'll stay here and talk to Buddy. 



22 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Ma. We won't be a moment. Come, Jonquil. (Exit R. 
with Jonquil.) 

Enter Scotch from C. D. 

Scotch. Say, when is it my turn to come in and be 
embraced ? 

Boot. Back to the farm, Scotch. You're an hour late. 

Scotch. Oh, excuse me. {Runs out C. D.) 

Boot. That was the long-lost cheild. Now, what in the 
world are you doing here at college? 

'Ekity {pertly). Visiting you. 

Boot. But where did you drop from? The train isn't 
due for half an hour, and I know you never drove over. 

Betty. No, I didn't drive. I was driven. Sit down 
and I'll tell you all about it. ( Sits at R.) You see, Jonquil 
Gray just moved to town last week. 

Boot, {seated L. looks toward R.). And was that Jon- 
quil Gray? 

Betty. Yes. Pretty, isn't she? 

Boot. Adorable. 

Betty. I knew you'd think so. I'm in love with her 
already, and I've only known her for a week. 

Boot. It doesn't take a week sometimes. But who is 
she? 

Betty. She used to live in our town years ago, and then 
she moved to San Francisco. Now they've moved back 
home again. We used to know her years ago. She went 
to dancing school with, us when we were in short skirts. 

Boot. Not me. I never was in short skirts. 

Betty. And she's the dearest thing. I've invited her to 
your Senior ball. 

Boot. Good for you. I'll be tickled to death. 

Betty. I knew you'd be. 

Boot. I'll take both of you. 

Betty. Nothing doing. Noth-ing do-ing! You've got 
to get me a man, or you can't have Jonquil. Now, I'd like 
to go with that good-looking boy who said he was your 
room-mate. 

Boot. Who — Tad? He isn't good-looking. He only 
thinks h.e is. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 23 

Betty. He is good-looking. Booties Benbow, I guess 
I know a good-looking man when I see one. He's got the 
loveliest complexion and the dearest nose. 

Boot. Rave on, fair one ; rave on. 

Betty. Fm not raving. Oh, please. Booties, make him 
ask me to the Senior ball. 

Boot. Well, I'll do my best. But tell me about Miss 
Gray. Did you say her name was Jonquil? 

Betty. Yes. Jonquil Gray. Pretty, isn't it ? 

Boot. It just suits her. 

Betty. Well, last night she asked me if I didn't want 
to drive over here this morning and call on Mrs. Baggsby. 
She used to know Mrs. Baggsby in California. I said I 
did — and she did, and we both did, and here we are — and 
that's all. 

Boot. Who drove you over? 

Betty. Jonquil. She's a regular speedomaniac. She 
can handle a car as well as you can. We had a race this 
morning. 

Boot. You did? 

Betty. About half an hour ago, just as we were com- 
ing down the hill (pouts), some smart-alec student tried to 
push us off the road. And of course Jonquil wouldn't stand 
for that. 

Boot, (smiles). Of course not. What did she do? 

Betty. Beat him at his own game. We raced him into 
town and made him take our dust the whole way. Served 
him right, the mean old thing. We weren't going to let any 
half-baked Freshman push us to one side. Women don't 
do that any more. 

Boot. Oh, he was a half-baked Freshman, was he? 

Betty. Yes. And the meanest thing. He actually tried 
to honk us out of his way, just like we were chickens or 
ducks, or something. Jonquil was perfectly furious. If 
she ever meets that man, she'll give him a piece of her 
mind, and so will I. But you don't seem at all glad to see 
me. After I came all this way to visit you, too. 

Boot, (rises). Of course I am. But you took me so by 
surprise. How is dad and mother? 



24 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Betty. Just fine. Dad's going to build an addition to 
the factory. 

Boot. The new crackers seem to be making a hit. 

Betty. They are. They're in everybody's mouth. Dad 
is just coining money. 

Boot. That's good. I'm going to make a touch this 
afternoon. I need eighty dollars for a new set of tires. 

Betty. Dad's awfully worried about you, Booties. Ever 
since they put you on probation dad's been up in the air. 

Boot. Oh, that's all right. I'm one of the shining lights 
of the college now. 

Betty. A shining light ? I hope they won't put you out. 

Boot. Don't worry. But I wonder where Jonquil is. 
I mean, Miss Gray. 

Betty. She'll be in as soon as she puts some powder 
on her nose. 

Enter Tad from L. 

Tad. Oh, I beg pardon. I hope I'm not intruding. 

Betty. Not at all, Mr. Cheseldine. I'm awfully glad 
you came in. Booties has done nothing but talk about Miss 
Gray. The lady he so wildly embraced at the door. 

Tad. That's just his luck. I could rehearse every day 
for a year and never have a lucky thing like that happen 
to me. 

^ Betty. Would you call it lucky ? 
?^ Tad. I would if you had come in the door. 

Betty. Oh, Mr. Cheseldine. 

Tad. Now that you've found out where we live, you 
must come over often and visit us. 

Boot, {at R.). Yes, indeed; you and Miss Gray. 

Tad (at L.), Sure thing. Come over every week. 

Betty {at L. C). Oh, we couldn't do that. We prob- 
ably won't be over again until the Senior ball. 

Tad. Are you coming to the ball? 

Betty. I hope to. I've not been invited yet. Booties 
hates to take his sister. 

Tad. Oh, there isn't any need of that. {Stops con- 
fused.) Oh, that is — I mean — 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 25 

Boot. Yes, it'll be a nice day if it doesn't rain, won't it? 

Betty (to Tad). We had the most exciting race this 
morning. We raced all the way from the Hill and we girls 
won. 

Tad. Yes, Booties was telling us about it. (Boot, makes 

signs to Tad not to tell.) What the ? I mean, what's 

the matter? 

Boot. Oh, nothing at all. I'm just taking exercise. 
(Waves arms as if practicing gymnastics.) 

Tad. Booties hated to be beat by a couple of girls. 

Betty (goes to Boot.). Booties Benbow, were you that 
half-baked Freshman? 

Boot. Yes, I guess I was. 

Betty. My own brother ! I'm ashamed of you. Jonquil 
will never want to know you now. 

Boot. Don't tell her. (Crosses to Tad.) You've got 
me in a nice mess. Say, I'm going to put on my new suit. 
Betty, don't let Miss Gray get away till I come back. Then 
I'll take you both over to the hotel for dinner. (Exit L.) 

Betty. I won't go to dinner with you. (To Tad.) He 
acted perfectly horrid about that race. He didn't recog- 
nize us and tried to push us off the road. 

Tad. He did. Well, I'm glad you made him take your 
dust. 

Betty. I'll get even with him for that. I think I'll tell 
Jonquil all about it. 

Tad. Oh, don't do that. That would queer Booties right 
at the start. 

Betty. Well, he ought to be queered. And I won't take 
dinner with him. 

Tad. Serves him right. 

Betty. I suppose I'll have to go without any dinner at 
all. 

Tad. Oh, no. You come and take dinner with me. 

Betty. Why, Mr. Cheseldine, I never thought of that. 
Would it be perfectly proper? 

Tad. Sure it would. We'll invite Booties and Miss 
Gray for chaperones. 



26 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Betty. That will be delightful. Do you know, I knew 
I was going to like you the minute I saw you. 

Tad {close to her). You did? And I thought the same 

^* Enter Jonquil from R. quickly. 

Jonquil. Hello, Betty. We had the finest visit. Mrs. 
Baggsby is the dearest thing. It seems just like CaHfornia 
again to be with her. 

Betty (at C). This is Mr. Cheseldine, Booties' room- 
mate. 

Jonquil. Pleased, Fm sure. 

Tad (at L.). Pleasure's all mine. 

Jonquil (at /?.). You boys certainly seem to have a good 
time at college. 

Tad. Oh, yes. And you should see us at the Senior 
ball. I hope you're coming. 

Jonquil. I don't know. I haven't heard anything about 
it yet. 

Betty. Oh, yes; she's coming. Booties is going to in- 
vite her. 

Jonquil. He is. But where is your brother? 

Betty. Gone to doll up. You'ye made an awful hit 
with him. 

Jonquil. Betty, have I, really? 

Betty. And you like him, too, don't you ? 

Jonquil. He seemed very nice. 

Tad. Yes, Booties is the finest fellow in the world, in 
spite of his affliction. 

Betty and Jonquil. His affliction? (Jonquil drops her 
purse, stoops to get it. While she does this Tad goes to 
Betty and speaks to her aside.) 

Tad. Here's we get even with Booties. Are you on? 

Betty. You bet. 

Jonquil. I didn't know Mr. Benbow had an affliction. 

Betty. Oh, yes. Poor Booties ! We don't like to speak 
about it at home. 

Jonquil (alarmed). He isn't lame, is he? 

Tad. Oh, no; it's worse than that. 

Jonquil. Worse? He isn't blind? 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 27 

Betty (amused). Oh, worse; far worse. 

Jonquil. Good gracious, he's not insane, is he? 

Tad. Oh, no; he's sane enough most of the time. But 
he is deaf. Horribly deaf. 

Betty. Yes, he's awfully deaf. He couldn't hear a fire- 
cracker if it exploded in his ear. 

Jonquil. Why, the poor young man. And he's so good- 
looking, too. 

Enter Leviticus from R. with bucket of water. 

Leviticus. Yere's yer bucket of water. Where'll I put 
it? 

Jonquil. It's for my radiator. This way. (Goes to 
C. D,) 

Tad. Let me help you. (Goes to door C.) 

Jonquil. Thank you. (Exits C. D.) 

Tad. Please wait for me; I'll be right back. (Exits 
C. Z).) 

Leviticus. Dat's de first time in ma life dat I ever 
knowed you had to gib dem automobiles a bucket ob water. 
I w^onder does dey eat hay or oats. (Exit R.) 

Enter Boot, from L., dressed up. 

Boot. Where is she? 

Betty. Giving her car a drink of water, in case you 
want to race us again. 

Boot. Now, Betty, don't be sore. It was only a joke. 
Miss Gray wasn't sore, was she? 

Betty. No, I didn't tell her. 

Boot. She's a fine girl and has made an awful hit with 
me. I'm going to invite her to the ball. 

Betty. How lovely of you. Booties. She's a perfect 
dear, in spite of her affliction. 

Boot. Affliction? Did you say affliction? 

Betty. Yes, she is as deaf as a post. She couldn't hear 
a firecracker if it exploded in her ear. 

Boot. Why, the poor little kid. Say, do you suppose 
she could hear me if I talk like this? 

Betty. Not a word. If you talk to Jonquil you must 
speak loudly. 



28 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Boot, (louder). How about this? 

Betty (secretly amused). A mere whisper. She couldn't 
catch a word. 

Boot, ^(yells). I'll yell at her. Til bet she could hear 
this. 

Betty. Well, maybe ; but you must speak plainly. The 
only way she can understand you will be by the motion of 
your lips. 

Enter Jonquil from C. D., followed by Tad. 

Jonquil. The car's all right. When are we to start 
back, Betty? 

Betty. The boys have asked us to stay and take dinner 
at the hotel. 

Jonquil. Fine. Then we can drive back in the cool of 
the evening. (Goes to Boot., speaks loudly.) It's awfully 
nice of you, Mr. Benbow. 

Boot, (yells). Don't mention it. Pleasure, I'm sure. 

Betty. I'd like to take a walk over on the campus 
(looks at Tad), but I'm afraid to go all by myself. 

Tad. Let me go with you. I'll show you the Lover's 
Lane and all the sights. 

Betty. Oh, thank you. (Goes to door C., meeting Tad.) 
We won't be long. 

Boot. Don't hurry on my account. 

Tad. Oh, we won't. (Exit C. D., followed by Betty.) 

Boot, (coming to Jonquil at C. and speaking loudly). I 
hope you will excuse me for the way I acted when you first 
came in. I was rehearsing, you know. I hope you're not 
offended. 

Jonquil (embarrassed). I — I — well, that is — 

Boot, (to audience). She doesn't hear a word I say. 
(Louder.) I want to apologize for my rudeness. 

Jonquil (loudly). Pray, don't give it another thought. 

Boot, (aside). She don't get me. (Loudly.) I said 
apologize for my rudeness. Apologize, apologize, apolo- 
gize! 

Jonquil. How he screams. Poor fellow. And he thinks 
he is speaking in a whisper. He's so good-looking, too. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 29 

What a pity he's deaf. {Loud.) I wasn't offended at all, 
only surprised. 

Boot, {loudly). Awfully good of you to come over and 
visit us. I hope you'll be at the ball next week. 

Jonquil. I haven't been invited, yet. 

Boot. Then let me extend an invitation. I'll be de- 
lighted to have you for my guest. 

Jonquil. Oh, thank you. {Goes to him, puts hand to 
her mouth and yells in his ear.) I said, thank you. 

Boot, Don't mention it. Pleasure's all mine. {Same 
business.) I said the pleasure was all mine. 

Jonquil. Yes, I heard you. 

Boot. Did you drive over? {Louder.) Drive! In an 
automobile, you know. {Louder.) In a motor car. {Pan- 
tomimes driving car.) Motor car! Honk, honk! Choo, choo, 
choo! 

Jonquil. Yes. We had a wonderful race into town. 
Some horrid student tried to push us off the road. 

Boot. The idea! He couldn't have been a student. I 
am sure no student would have been so rude. {Aside.) She 
doesn't hear a word I'm saying. {Loudly.) It wasn't a 
student. 

Jonquil {quickly). Yes, I heard you. I'm not deaf. 
{Pauses confused.) Oh, I beg your pardon. 

Boot, {to audience). She says she isn't deaf. I won- 
der if she don't know it. 

Jonquil. Are you a Freshman, Mr. Benbow ? 

Boot. Great day! No, I'm a Senior! {Yells.) A 
Senior! 

Jonquil. I heard you the first time. {Hand at mouth, 
yells in his ear.) I said I heard you the first time. 

Boot. I'm not deaf. {Quickly.) Oh, I beg your par- 
don. I meant no offense? 

Jonquil. Not deaf? 

Boot. Not at all. I can hear perfectly. 

Jonquil. The poor man. He hasn't learned about his 
affliction. This is terrible. 

Boot. I said I wasn't deaf. I can hear everything. 

Jonquil. So can I. 



30 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Boot. You can. (In natural voice,) Can you hear me 
now? 

Jonquil. Of course I can. (Yells.) It must be dreadful 
to be deaf. 

Boot. Yes; but think of the advantage if you're a mar- 
ried man. But it don't make any difference to me if you 
are deaf. 

Jonquil. But Fm not. I can hear everything. Mr. 
Cheseldine told me that you. were deaf. 

Boot. What? Tad told you / was deaf? 

Jonquil. Yes. Aren't you? 

Boot. Not a bit. Betty told me you were deaf. She 
said you couldn't hear a firecracker if it exploded in your 
ear. 

Jonquil. Why, that's the very thing they told me about 
you. 

Boot. Say, they've been stringing us. Let's go and see 
them. We'll still pretend we think each other deaf and 
we'll split their ears. We'll turn the tables on 'em. (Goes 
to C, D.) Come on. 

Jonquil. We'll pay them back in their own coin. (Exit 
C, D, with Boot.) 

Enter Leviticus from R. 

Leviticus (coming down C, lazily). Each of dem five 
custard pies was slightly scorched on top, and I et 'em all. 
Mmm! I done et so much custard pie dat I feels oozy all 
over, and now Mrs. Baggsby has done telephoned for ice 
cream for dinner and I ain't got no space left fo' ice cream. 
Ain't dat scandalous — ice cream for dinner and I'se done 
lost ma appetite. (Noise at L.) Dem students is rehears- 
ing for their play in there, and, by golly, it's as good as 
de circus. All dressin' demselves up to be ladies and cow- 
boys and things. (Sprawls in chair at C.) I wish I was 
a student at college. Never do a thing but play baseball 
and tennis and penny-ante and shoot craps all day, and go 
to see de ladies at night. Ah me, I has to work all day long. 
(Stretches and yawns.) Never get no time for nothin' but 
work. If this keeps up much longer dis yere colored gen- 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 31 

tleman sure is goin' to git another situation. (Door bell 
heard at CD,) What I tell you? Can't even set down and 
take a moment's repose but dat dog-goned doorbell has got 
to disturb ma jurisprudence. 

Leviticus goes out C D. and returns with Fleurette. 

Fleurette {coming to C. with large pasteboard box). 
Ah, garcon, I hava ze costooms brought. 

Leviticus (at L, C). You hava zee costooms brought? 
Dat's nothin'. I hav de hay fever and lumbago. 

Fleurette. Non, non; you do not me understand. 

Leviticus (puzzled). No, lady, I do not thee understand. 
Elucidate, gal, elucidate. 

Fleurette (shows package). It is ze costooms for ze 
play, ze wig, ze shoes, ze stockings, ze robes. Ah, it is 
everyzing. 

Leviticus (to audience), Dat gal talks like a buzz-saw. 
No, ma'am., we don't want to buy no costooms today. You 
is in de wrong house. 

Fleurette. I vant to see Monsieur McCann. Compre- 
nez-vous? Monsieur McCann. 

Leviticus. Lookee yere, gal, don't you call me no names. 
I ain't done nothin' to you. 

Fleurette (snaps fingers in his face). Bah., bah! Bah! 

Leviticus. She talks Hke a goat. 

Fleurette. You have not ze brains of a flea. 

Leviticus. Don't rouse ma anger, gal; don't rouse ma 
anger; cause when I's mad, I's mad. 

Fleurette (impatiently). Come, come; I cannot vait all 
ze day. I desire to see McCann. 

Leviticus. Oh, you wants to see de actor man. 

Fleurette. Yes, yes. I have ze costooms for ze play. 

Leviticus (backing to L, looking at Fleurette). Well, 
he's yere. 

Fleurette. Tell him zat I him avait wiz (in French) 
grand impatience. 

Leviticus. Yas'm, dat's jest what I was goin' to tell 
him. (Exit L,) 

Enter Mrs. McCann from C. D. 



32 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Mrs. M. (coming down R,): Are you Mrs. Baggsby? 

Fleurette. Oh, no. I am ze modiste Mademoiselle 
Fleurette. 

Mrs. M. Oh, you're modest, are you? I never would 
have guessed it. Where is Mrs. Baggsby? 

Fleurette (shrugs shoulders). I do not know dis Mrs. 
Baggsby. 

Mrs. M. (goes to R.), Fll see if she's in here. Fm look- 
ing for my husband. He's supposed to be here coaching a 
lot of students for a play, but it's only a blind. I know- 
why he is here. I can read him like a book. (At door R.) 
He's a man, and all men are born deceivers. I know. Fve 
been married fifteen years. (Exit R.) 

Fleurette (at C). Oh, what a womans! And she is 

jealous of Monsieur McCann. Veil, if I were in her place 

I'd be jealous, too, for ziz Sandy is von bad, wicked, 

naughty man. 7-^0 r r 

^ "^ Enter Sandy from L. 

Sandy (at door L.). Ah, have I kept you waiting, my 
dear little lady? (Minces over to her, trips on rug and 
falls sprawling at her feet,) Oh, my gracious! One million 
pardons. I was so anxious to greet you. (Rises.) 

Fleurette (shrugs shoulders) . Monsieur should make 
ze haste slowly. 

Sandy (close to her). Monsieur should make ze hay 
while the sun shines. (Takes her hand, looks at it.) Dear 
little hand. 

Fleurette (smiles). Ze sun shines now, but if your 
wife sees you I think zere will be ze grande thunderstorm. 
{Crosses to L. C.) 

Sandy (crossing to R. C). Oh, my wife's at home, and 
besides I am not afraid of my wife. 

Fleurette. No ? 

Sandy. Of course not. I am master of my house. 

Fleurette. Oh, you are? 

Sandy (close to her). But we'll not discuss unpleasant 
subjects like my wife. When I look at you my heart — 

Fleurette (extending foot). Oh, monsieur, ze ril)bon 
of my shoe! It is all untied. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 33 

Sandy (kneels R. C). Permit me. I will tie it for you. 
Fleurette. Oh, but I do not like to make so mUch 
trouble for monsieur. 

Enter Mrs. M. from R, zvith umbrella, 

Mrs. M. (screams). Oh, what do I see? 

Sandy (on knees, horrified). My wife! 

Mrs. M. Oh you villain! You deceiver! You big, base 
bigamist! (Hits him on head with umbrella.) 

Sandy (still kneeling, turns to her). But, my darling, 
it's a mistake. 

Mrs. M. (starts for Fleurette). And as for you, 
madam — 

Fleurette (runs to C. D.). Oh, madame! Zere is your 
husband. Pouf ! I wouldn't take him as a Christmas gift. 
(Laughs and exits CD.) 

Sandy (on knees, approaches Mrs. M.). Now, my dear 
Mehitable— 

Mrs. M. (turns to him). Worm! 

Sandy (rises, tries to take her hand). But, little rose- 
bud, let me explain. 

Enter Slivers and Shorty from L. 

Slivers (as he enters). Sandy, where are you? (Sees 
Mrs. M.) Oh, I beg pardon. 

Sandy. It's all right ; it's only my wife. 

Mrs. M. (crosses to C. D.). I'll be waiting for you at 
home. Do you understand? Waiting! (Exit C. D., bang- 
ing door.) 

Sandy (sighs). Yes, little darhng, I understand per- 
fectly. 

Shorty (in door at L.). How about the rehearsal, 
Sandy? 

Sandy. I'm ready. Where's Tad. Here is his second 
act costume. 

Slivers. He's over on the campus with a girl. 

Sandy. Go and get him at once. He's got to try on his 
dress. 

Slivers. In a minute. (Exit C. D., yelling ''Tad! Oh, 
Tadr) 



34 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Sandy. This excitement is killing me, and my wife is 
waiting at home. Oh, would that I were single again ! 

Enter Slivers C. D. followed by Tad. 

Tad. Oh, have a heart, Sandy. I was just getting en- 
gaged. 

Sandy. Here is your costume. Get engaged in that. 

Tad (holding up dress, etc.). Ah, Flora McFlimsy, 
howdy do. 

Sandy. Hurry up. (Exit L. followed by the others.) 

Doorbell at C. D. rings. Enter Leviticus from R. 

Leviticus More work. Seems like I don't do nothin' 
but answer dat bell. (Exit C. D.) 

Enter Scotch from L. 

Scotch. Gee, I wish I could find a place to study. A 
college boarding house is no place for a man who means 
business. 

Enter Leviticus followed by Juliet Snobbs. 

Leviticus. Yes'm, set down, and Til see if Mr. Benbow 
is around on de premises. (Exit R,) 

Scotch (rises). Why, Juliet, What are you doing here? 

Juliet. I'm here on official business for the college. I 
got a letter for Mr. Booties Benbow. I ain't no hand to 
butt into other people's afifairs, nor yet to reveal college 
secrets, but I've got a hunch they've tied a can on your 
friend Benbow. 

Scotch (astonished and worried). You mean he's been 
expelled ? 

Juliet (nonchalantly). That's the word. Kicked out of 
college. 

Scotch. Poor old Booties. He's one of the finest fel- 
lows in the school. 

Juliet. Yes, and he's such a good-looking guy, too. If 
they was going to can someone, I don't see why they had 
to pick on him. Prexy sent a telegram to his father this 
morning and I was ordered to come over here and bring 
the fatal messaQC. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 35 

Scotch. Fm awfully sorry. 

Juliet. So am I. I'll just leave the letter here where 
he can get it. (Puts it on desk.) Good-bye. (Starts out 
C, D.) 

Scotch. Wait a minute. (Gets cap.) I'll walk over to 
the main building with you ; that is, if you want me to. 

Juliet. I'd be delighted, Mr. McAlHster. (Takes his 
arm.) I ain't seen very much of you this year. 

Scotch. I've been mighty busy. I came to college to 
work and, beHeve me, I've been doing it. 

Juliet (sententiously) . All work and no play makes 
Jack a dull boy. 

Scotch. You're right, Juliet. Say, have you got a date 
for tonight? 

Juliet. Let me see? (Thinks.) This is Friday, ain't 
it? No, I don't believe I have. 

Scotch (bashfully twisting foot). How'd you like to go 
to the movies, Juliet? 

Juliet. Just fine. I'll be ready at 7 o'clock sharp. In 
time for the first show. And then we can watch the moon 
afterward. The moon is just grand these nights. Come on. 

Scotch (looks hack at letter). Poor old Booties! I cer- 
tainly hate to have him leave college. (Exit C. D. with 
Juliet.) 

(Boys off L. sing first verse of college song. Sing 
slozvly and with much feeling. If no local college song is 
obtainable use ''Stars of the Summer Night'' from College 
Songs.) 

Enter Boot, from CD. 

Boot. Betty and Jonquil are waiting at the hotel and 
I've decided to go to class. I've been a blamed fool ever 
since I've been at college, but Jonquil has asked me to turn 
over a new leaf. I've been burning the candle at both ends, 
but now I'm going to begin to work. I'll be a dig, a grind 
and then maybe I'll get my degree in June and go into 
business with the governor. Poor old Professor Popp — 
no wonder he was sore. I'll make him a public apology 
tomorrow. I'll hire a tutor and show the folks at home 



36 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

that there is something in me after all. Being a sport at 
college is the best f uft in the world, but it don't pay, Booties, 
my boy; it don't pay. {Sees letter,) What's this? {Picks 
it up, reads.) "Mr. Robert Benbow" — and it's from the 
faculty. I suppose I'm to be called on the carpet again. If 
they give me another chance, I'll show them that I can be 
an honor to the institution. {Opens letter, reads in silence,) 
*'Your connection with the college has ceased." {Pause, as 
he reads and struggles for self-control.) '^Your name was 
stricken from the rolls this morning." {Pause.) "Unani- 
mous action of the faculty." Busted ! Kicked out of college. 
{Sinks in chair.) What will the the governor say? I'll 
have to leave the old place in disgrace. A Benbow kicked 
out of college! What will mother say? {Buries face in 
arms.) Hard lines, hard lines! (Boot, holds this position 
as the boys sing the second verse of the college song very 
softly.) 

Enter Tad from L. wearing ladies' pumps and red stock- 
ings, trousers and sport shirt. 

Tad. Say, Boots, come on in and help me get into the 
leading lady's costume. {Sees him.) Why, what's the mat- 
ter, old top? What's wrong? (Boot, silently gives Tad the 
letter. Tad reads. Pause. Tad goes to Boot.,, who rises. 
Shake hands warmly. Silence.) 

Boot. It's all right, old pal. It's all right. 

Tad. It's a shame, Boots ; a mean, downright shame. 

Boot. No, it ain't. I had it coming to me and I got it ; 
that's all. Better fellows than me have been kicked out of 
college. But it's hard lines, kid ; it's hard lines. 

Tad {shakes hands). I know, pal; I know. I'll call a 
meeting of the Senior class. If you leave, we'll all go on a 
strike. 

Boot. Nothing doing. It's been my own fault and I'll 
take my medicine like a man. I was just going to turn over 
a new leaf. 

Enter Ma from R, 

Ma. What's the matter. Booties? 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 37 

Boot. It's all over, Ma; I've been canned. I'm going 
home. 

Ma. Canned? You! Oh, Booties, it ain't so. It can't 
be so. (Cries.) 

Enter Leviticus from R. 

Leviticus Oh, Mrs. Baggsby, come yere and see what's 
done drove up in our yard. A 'leven thousand horse power 
automobile has done stopped in front of our door. (Bell 
rings.) I'll bet it's de President of de United States. (Exit 
C. D.) 

Tad (looks out of window). It's your father. Boots. 
Your father and mother. Brace up. (Runs out L.) 

Ma (arranging furniture). And this room looks like a 
dog fight. 

E7tter Mr and Mrs. Benbow from CD. 

Benbow (to Ma, zvho meets him). I want to see Robert 
Benbow. I am his father. 

Boot. Why, dad! (Goes to him.) 

Mrs. B. Booties! Oh, Booties! (Cries.) 

Ma (at R.). Oh, Booties! (Cries.) 

Mr. B. Luella ! Remember what you promised me. 
There must be no hysterics. 

Boot. You've heard the news? 

Mr. B. We have. Your disgrace is known. 

Boot. But, father — 

Mr. B. Don't ''father" me, sir. You have been a dis- 
grace to the college, you have been a disgrace to me. I've 
spent a small fortune on your college education, and this is 
my reward. (Waves telegram.) 

Mrs. B. Father, don't get excited. Oh, Booties, how 
could you ? 

Mr. B. Haven't I given you everything you wanted? 
Haven't I always granted your slightest wish? 

Boot. Yes, you have? 

Mr. B. And now the whole town will be talking of your 
disgrace. It will be in all the papers. The son of B. J. 
Benbow kicked out of college. 

Mrs. B, Oh, father. We must keep it out of the papers. 



38 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Mr. B. YouVe deliberately thrown away your chances. 

From now on you stand alone. You work for yourself. IVe 

given you everything, and this is my reward. Now, Tm 

done with you. 7- " o /• t 

■^ Enter Sandy from L. 

Sandy. Booties, I've just heard — 

Boot. Father, this is Mr. McCann. 

Mr. B. (gruffly). How do you do! 

Sandy (pleasantly). Oh, Fm quite well, Mr. Benbow. 
How is your good health. 

Mr. B. (furiously). Good health! Bah! I haven't got 
any good health ! 

Enter Jonquil and Betty from C. D. 

Betty (to Mr. B.). Dad! 

Mr. B. So you are here? You're just in time to see your 
brother's disgrace. 

Betty. Disgrace! 

Mr. B. He'll be expelled from college. 

Betty. Oh, Booties! (Cries on Jonquil's shoulder.) 

Ma. Oh, Booties! (Cries.) 

Mrs. B. Oh, Booties! (Cries.) 

Mr. B. If you'd only marry and settle down, we might 
make a man of you yet. I don't want to be hard on you. 

Mrs. B. Yes, Booties, please do as your father says. 
Please get married and settle down. 

Boot, (crosses to L.). Get married? Oh, impossible! 

Mr. B. Oh, it's impossible, is it? Once for all and for 
the last time, will you be serious, marry, settle down and 
raise a family? 

Boot, (appealingly). But, father — 

Mr. B. (at C). That's my last word. If you marry, 
I'll pay all your bills for a year. 

Sandy (at extreme L.). You hear that, Booties; he'll 
pay all your bills for a year. 

Mrs. B. (at R. C). For my sake, Booties. (Tearfidly.) 

Sandy (aside to Boot.). Leave it to me. I'll fix things 
for you. (Crosses to L. C, speaks to Mr. B.) Well, my 
dear Mr. Benbow, the fact is — 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 39 

Mr. B. {who has been consoling Mrs. B., now turns on 
Sandy furiously). What have you to do in this matter, 
sir? 

Sandy. Fm Booties' friend. The fact is, Mr. Benbow, 
he can't get married. It's impossible. 

Boot, {hacking him up). Yes, that's right. It's impos- 
sible. 

Mrs. B. Then there is some other woman. Oh, Booties ! 
{Wails.) 

Ma. Oh, who'd ever a thunk such a thing ! Oh ! {Wails.) 

Betty {down R. zvith Jonquil). Oh, Booties! {Cries 
in Jonquil^s arms.) 

Sandy {loudly). He can't get married because he's al- 
ready married ! 

All. What? 

Sandy. He's been married for two weeks. 

All. Oh, Booties! {Women weep.) 

Sandy. His wife is here. She is my niece. Miss Flora 
McFlimsy. 

Boot. Why, yes, of course I'm married. {Calls at L.) 
Flora, Flora, darling! 

{Lively music.) 

Tad {heard off L. speaking in woman's voice). Yes, be- 
loved ! 

Boot. Come here to h.ubby! 

Ladies. Oh, Booties! {Loud cries.) 

Jonquil. So, sir, you are a married man ! 

Boot, {confused) . No, I'm not; I mean, yes, I am. 

Sandy. Of course he is. And here is his bonny little 
bride. 

Enter Tad dressed in red, yellozv zvig, large red hat and 
red parasol. 

Tad. Who called me? 

Sandy {leading Tad to Mr. B.). Mr. Benbow, here is 
your new daughter. Kiss him, Flora. He's Booties' papa. 
Tad. But who am I ? 
Boot. You are my own little wifie. 



40 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

(Tad kisses Mr. B. at C. Sandy and Bootles shake 
hands. Ladies weeping^ Mrs. B. at R. C, Ma up R., Betty 
and Jonquil down R.) 

Curtain. 



Act II. 



Scene : Sitting-room and bedroom in Honeymoon Flats. 
Two weeks later than Act L Time, mid-afternoon in June, 

The stage is arranged to show the interior of two rooms, 
a neatly furnished sitting-room occupies two-thirds of the 
stage at L,, a piece of scenery with a door in it divides this 
from the bed-room that occupies one-third of the stage at 
R. In the sitting-room there is a neat carpet down, pen- 
nants and pictures on walls, a door C, leading to street 
Square table down C. Small sofa down L. Easy chair 
down R. Other chairs and. furniture at the discretion of 
the manager. In the bed-room is a small iron bed, made 
up, in upper L. corner. A table down R. C. with plain 
chairs around it. Door in R. wall leading to other part of 
the house. Lights on full throughout the act. Bright music 
takes up the curtain. 

Bootles, Tad, Shorty, Slivers and Sandy discovered 
playing cards in bedroom, seated around table. Cards, 
poker chips, glasses of coca-cola, etc., on table. 

Leviticus enters from R. with tray containing glasses of 
coca-cola. 

Slivers. Hurry up, dingy; Tm as dry as the desert. 

Leviticus. Yas, sah. Here she is. Right off de ice. 
(Serves drinks.) 

Sandy (rises). I have a toast. 

All. Hear, hear! 

Sandy. Here's to our host. Booties Benbow, who was 
kicked out of college, forced into married life, gets two hun- 
dred a month, and entertains like a prince! 

Tad. And don't forget me. Fm his wife, you know. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 41 

Sandy. To Mr. and Mrs. Booties Benbow. May they 
live long and prosper. (Drinks.) 

Slivers. We're trying hard to get you back in college, 
Booties. 

Shorty. The whole class is talking of going on a strike. 

Boot. Nothing doing. College life is all right, my boys, 
but I say, and I say it emphatically, this is the life! 

Slivers. Gee, I wish my dad would give me two hun- 
dred a month if Td get married. Maybe if I married three 
wives rd get six hundred. 

Boot. Don't talk of marrying three wives. If you had 
a wife like mine, you'd never want another. 

Sandy. Yes, but if you had a wife like mine, you'd 
commit suicide. 

Shorty (sits at table). It's your deal. Slivers. (All re- 
sume seats.) 

Leviticus. By golly ! I wonder what de old man's goin' 
to say when he finds out you never has been married at all. 
Yere we is livin' in de Honeymoon Flats and habin' de time 
ob our sweet, young lives on two hundred a month ; but 
some day de old man's goin' to get wise; and then, good- 
night! I'll have to go back and wait on table at de board- 
ing-house again. (Arranges room.) 

All are busily engaged when a loud knock is heard at 
door C.J opening in other room.) 

Tad. What's that! 

Slivers. The police! (All jump up.) 

Sandy. Maybe it's my wife. (Crawls under table.) 

Leviticus. It's de police ! Lav/dy, lawdy ! We's all goin' 
to be arrested. (Runs around looking for a place to hide.) 

Tad (jumps into bed and covers himself up). Just tell 
them that you saw me. (Knocking continues.) 

(Slivers and Shorty hide under bed. Boot, runs out 
R. Leviticus goes into sitting-room, sits in easy chair and 
feigns sleep. Knocking continues.) 

Sal. (outside). Mistah Benbow! Mistah Benbow ! I'se 
done brung de washing. (Louder.) Mistah Benbow! Is 
anybody at home? 



42 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Enter at C, D, into sitting-room Salamanca Spivins, 
zvith large covered clothes-basket. She comes down C, 

Sal. Ain't dat aggravatin? Me comin' clean over hyah 
and dey ain't nobody at home. And I gotta collect nine 
dollars and nineteen cents from dese yere students. I sim- 
ply has got to hab dat money, kase de circus is in town 
tomorrow, and if I don't get dat nine dollars and nineteen 
cents, I won't go to see de hippo-peet-apotamus. {Sets 
basket down at C.) Well, yere I is, and yere I stays until 
I gets ma money. {The men in the bed-room stick their 
heads from their hiding places cautiously. They sneak down 
to door that divides the two rooms and peek into the sitting- 
room through the crack, their heads above one another,), 

Leviticus {seated down R, gives a loud snore). 

Sal. {alarmed). Good lawsy, massy me! What's dat? 
{Turns and sees him.) Mmm! Jes' look at dat nigger. 
{Shakes him.) Boy, hist yourself and make your saluta- 
tions ! 

Leviticus {talking in his sleep). Come a seben, come a 
'leben ; buy ma baby some pork chops and a new dress. 

Sal. {laughs). Jes' listen at dat man talkin' in his sleep. 
He imagines dat he's shootin' craps. {Takes feather duster 
and tickles him.) 

Lewiticus {gives a loud sneeze) . 

Sal. {shakes him). Man, man, wake up and salute your 
lady love. 

Leviticus {opening his eyes). Go way, gal, and let me 
sleep. 

Sal. {indignantly). Let you sleep? Leviticus Abraham 
Lincoln Pinfeath.ers, what for you want to sleep when you 
has company? Where's your manners? Man, I axes you, 
where's your manners ? 

Leviticus {rises slowly). Lawdy, is dat you, Salamanca, 
honey? {The men in the other room quietly resume their 
game.) 

Sal. Yes, it am. 'Pears like you ain't very superflus- 
trated to see me. Well, you listen to me, Leviticus Abra- 
ham Lincoln Pinfeathers, you ain't de only colored gen'le- 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 43 

man in dis town. You might not think it, but dey is others. 
You might be a big, black buzzin' bumble bee, man, but 
Miss Salamanca Spivins ain't goin' to let no man sting her. 

Leviticus. What fo' you comin' round yere pickin' a 
fuss wif me? Wh.at you want over yere in our college, 
anyhow ? 

Sal. I wants ma nine dollars and nineteen cents to go 
to de circus tomorrow. Dat's what I wants. Mr. Benbow 
owes me money. 

Leviticus. He do? Dat boy certainly am de owingiest 
boy in de whole college. 

Sal. Well, where is he? I needs ma money. 

Leviticus. 'Deed I don't know where he is. 

Sal. (sits at L.). Well, here I is, and here I stays until 
I gets ma nine dollars and nineteen cents. 

Leviticus. Say, honey, I was only foolin' wif you. If 
you gets all dat money from him, I'll take you to de circus 
tomorrow. 

Sal. Go way from yere, man. When I gets ma money, 
I keeps it. Ain't no nigger can separate me from ma nine 
dollars and nineteen cents. 

Leviticus. I'll tell him you is here. (Goes to door.) 
And remember, baby, I don't bear you no malice. You is 
still ma lady love. (Goes into bed-room and whispers to 

Boot, enters sitting-room. 

Boot, (down R.). Leviticus informed me that a lady de- 
sired to have the pleasure of an interview. 

Sal. (coming to C). Yes, sah, I'se de lady. 

Boot. Well, my charcoal-colored lily of the valley, what 
wouldst thou with me? (Exit Leviticus at R.) 

Sal. (puzzled). What wouldst I? Man, I wouldst nine 
dollars and nineteen cents. 

Boot. Soft pedal, soft pedal and reverse your levers, 
Diana of the Washboards. Go slow. When anyone pre- 
sents a bill to me it gives me palpitation of the heart. 

Sal. You see, boss, it's dis way. You owes me for six- 
teen weeks' washing — and now youse married and ma price 
has riz. 



44 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Boot. Oh, your price has riz because Fm married. 

Sal. Yas, sah. Maybe Fd better see your wife. 

Boot. That's a good idea. Come back next week and 
see my wife. 

Sal. No, sah. I can't come back no mo'. Kase de cir- 
cus is comin' to town tomorrow. Where is your wife? 

Boot. That's what many a man would Hke to know — 
where his wife is. But, fair one of the ebon hue, my wife's 
in bed. 

Sal. I wants to see her. In fact, I'se got to hab dat 
money. 

Boot. I haven't got it, but if you can get it from my 
wife, you're a daisy. 

Sal. Well, can I see her? 

Boot. She owes you nine dollars and nineteen cents, 
you say? 

Sal. She do. And I gotta hab ma money. 

Boot. And there she lies in yonder room snoring like a 
buzz saw. (Dramatically.) Wait here, fair maid. I prithee, 
here await, and anon I will return. 

Sal. But — 

Boot. But me no buts. The evening sun is fast ap- 
proaching night, and still she sleeps. I go, me Zulu prin- 
cess, but soon shall T return. Tarry but a moment. Fare- 
well, farewell, farewell. (Boot, ^o^^ into bed-room and 
speaks to Tad. Tad jumps into bed, puts on cap. The 
other men hide as before.) 

Sal. (looking after Boot.). Fll bet a pair ob red stock- 
ings agin a yaller hound dog dat dat boy am gone crazy. 
He's a college student, and I neber yet saw a college student 
what was overstocked wif brains. But dat Benbow man 
certainly am de limit. 

Boot, (returning to Sal.). It's all right, my black- 
skinned beauty ; my wife is ready to recevie you. 

Sal. Well, what I wants to know is dis- — does I get it 
or don't I get it? 

Boot. You'll have to see my wife. Come this way. 
(Exits to bed-room.) 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 45 

Sal. (entering bed-room). 'Scuse me, lady for being so 
obstreperous, but you owes me nine dollars and nineteen 
cents and I wants ma money. 

Tad (in bed, speaking in girlish voice). Oh, piffle. 

Sal. What's dat? 

Tad. I said my husband pays all the bills. Booties, pay 
the lady what you owe her. 

Boot. Pay her yourself. You're my wife. You handle 
all the cash. 

Tad. You haven't given me a cent since we were mar- 
ried. 

Boot. Certainly not. Who ever heard of a man giving 
his wife money? 

Sal. Well, does I get it or don't I get it ? 

Tad. I'm afraid you don't get it. 

Sal. (takes basket and starts to leave). No money, no 
clothes. (Goes into sitting-room, followed by Boot.) 

Boot, (grabbing basket). Say, I've got to have some 
shirts. 

Sal. (struggling zvith basket). Leave me alone, man. I 
wants ma money. 

Tad. Hold onto the basket. Boots. If she takes it away 
we'll have to stay in here for the rest of the month. 

Boot. Come on! Give me the clothes! Tad, come here! 
(Tad springs to his assistance and they take basket from 
Sal.) 

Sal. My lawsy, massy, it's a man ! He's done gone and 
married a man. Gimme ma clothes and let me leave. Dis 
yere ain't respectable. (They struggle for the clothes.) 

Sandy comes from under table and enters sitting-room. 

Sandy. Here, here, what's the matter? 

Sal. I w^ants ma money or I wants ma clothes. 

Sandy (severely). Booties, I am astonished. Why don't 
you give the lady her clothes ? 

Tad. If he does I'll have to stay in bed the rest of the 
week. 

Sal. He said dat was his wife ? Ain't it scandalous ? Well, 
does I get it or don't I get it? 



46 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Boot. Sandy, can you lend me ten dollars? 

Sandy (turning pockets inside out, showing them empty). 
And me a married man? Whenever I get ten dollars my 
wife has a picnic. 

Sal. I'll go to de police. Tse goin' to hab de whole 
bunch arrested. Fse been cheated out ob ma money and 
Fse been salted and battered, and he ain't got no wife at all. 

Enter Ma from C. D.^ breathless. 

Ma. Booties ; oh Booties ! 

Boot. Ma Baggsby ! Sit down. Awfully glad to see you. 
Ma. Can you lend me ten dollars? 

Ma (sinks in chair). Wait till I get my breath. I never 
hurried so much in all my life. Vm on my way to the Suf- 
fragists' Parade, but I just had to stop here and put you 
on your guard. 

Boot. My guard? What's happened now? 

Ma. Your father and mother are here in town. They 
want to give you a little pleasant surprise. 

Boot. Great heavens! It mill be a pleasant surprise. 

Ma. They are coming over to call on your wife. 

Tad. To call on me ? Good-night ! I ain't at home. I've 
gone to Colorado for my health. 

Sal. Well, does I get it or don't I get it ? 

Ma. Get what, Salamanca ? 

Sal. Ma money. I'm goin' to hab dat man arrested for 
salt and batter and beatin' me out ob ma nine dollars and 
nineteen cents. 

Boot. For goodness sakes, get out. If I had the money 
I'd pay you. Come back tomorrow. 

Sal. No, sah. I'll come back today, and when I does, 
I'll come back with a policeman. 

Ma. And I haven't got a cent with me. 

Sal. Dere's something goin' on here dat's agin de law. 
Dat man ain't no more married dan I is. 

Boot, (yells). Get out! 

Sal. Dat's jest what I'se goin' to do. But I'm comin 
back. I ain't goin' to let no man beat me out ob ma nine 
dollars and nineteen cents. (Exits CD.) 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 47 

Boot. Sandy, hurry on over to Fleurette's and get that 
costume and wig again. Tad, you got to be my wife. (Exit 
Sandy, C. D.) 

Tad. Nothing doing. If s too hot to be your wife today. 
Tell your folks that your wife is very ill. Say she has the 
hydrophobia. Or say it's the smallpox. 

Ma. IVe got to go. (To Boot.) Your mother is going 
to make an address at the suffrage meeting. That's why 
they came today. (Goes to C, D.) Oh, Booties, why did 
you get expelled from college? Then all this would never 
have happened. 

Boot. Don't worry, ma ; it'll all come out all right. 

Tad. Are the young ladies coming to visit us, too ? 

Ma. Yes, both of them. They are so anxious to renew 
acquaintance with Booties' wife. Betty says you are the 
dearest thing. 

Tad. Good for Betty. 

Ma. But I've just got to go. The parade starts in five 
minutes, and I'm going to carry a banner. (Exits CD.) 

Boot. Now I am up against it. Dad will find out every- 
thing, and just as I was getting my patent air brake in good 
shape. If I can string dad into letting me loaf here a couple 
of weeks longer, I'll invent a brake that will bring me a 
million. I've got the idea and the plans — all I need is the 
working model. 

Slivers and Shorty enter sitting-room. 

Slivers We've got to go to class. Got a written exam 
in Greek Art this afternoon. 

Shorty. Yes. See you all some more. (Exit C. D. 
with Slivers.) 

Tad. See here, Booties, I don't want to be your wife. 
You don't realize how hard it is to breathe in that costume. 
And besides, I want to talk to Betty. 

Boot. Hello. He calls her Betty. 

Tad. It's all right, isn't it? 

Boot. If you ever want me to put in a good word for 
you with my sister, you've got to help me out of this scrape. 



48 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Tad. But suppose your folks decide to make us a visit. 
Suppose they stay a couple of days, or a week. Good-night ! 

Boot. It's all Sandy's fault. He had no business saying 
that I was married in the first place. 

Tad. And in the second place, he had no business say- 
ing that I was your wife. 

Enter Sandy, C D., followed by Fleurette with cos- 
tume box. 

Sandy. Well, I got her. Here's your costume, Tad. 

Fleurette. Oh, but he have make me hurry so. Ze 
breath is all out of me. Navaire did I run in all my life so 
fast. 

Boot. Did you bring the costume and the wig? 

Fleurette. See, zey are here. Ze bill is five dollars. 

Boot. Charge it. Til pay next week. 

Fleurette. It is against my rules to charge ze bill. 
(Close to Boot.) But for you, monsieur; for you, it is well. 
I charge ze bill. 

Boot. Much obliged, Tm sure. 

Fleurette. You remind me so much of my Henri, mon- 
sieur. He 'ave ze same hair, ze sam.e eyes, ze same strong 
arms, ze same vinning vays. But, helas^ monsieur, he is far 
avay in France. Ah (sighs), it is verra, verra sad to have 
one's Henri far avay in France. 

Sandy. We're losing time. Come on Tad. Put on the 
costume. 

Enter Selina McCann from C. D, 

Selina. Pop, oh, Pop! Where are you? 

Sandy. Here I am, Selina. What do you want? 

Selina. Ma's on the warpath. Just as she was going 
into the suffrage parade she saw you running down the 
street with a lady. She's chasing all over town after you. 

Sandy. Was she angry, Selina? 

Selina. Angry ain't the word. She's hopping. 

Sandy. I'd better go home and get under the bed. Here's 
a nickel for you, Selina. 

Selina. Can't you make it a quarter, pop? 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 49 

Sandy. Not today. Run along now ; that's a good little 
girl. And whatever you do, don't tell your mother that you 
saw me. 

Selina. All right, pop ; I'm wise. I'll be as murn as an 
oyster, but it'll cost you just twenty-five cents. 

Sandy. Angel child ! I'll give you a quarter next week. 

Selina (at door C). Nix on that next week gag. I get 
the money tonight or I'll tell maw all I know. 

Sandy. All right, papa's darhng. You get the money 
tonight. 

Selina. You'd better get under cover, paw, 'cause ma's 
on the warpath. (Exit C. D,) 

Boot. Come on. Tad. They're liable to be here any 
minute. 

Tad. Oh, tell them your wife's eloped with another man. 

Boot. Come on. (Drags him to bed-room.) 

Fleurette. Veil, I must be going. I am going to march 
in ze grand parade. I, too, am a suffragette. 

Enter Sal. from C, D., followed by Officer Riley. 

Sal. Where is he? Where is he? Where am de man 
who robbed me ob mia nine dollars and nineteen cents ? 

Sandy. Who are you looking for? 

Sal. For dat Mr. Booties Benbow. Dat's who we is 
looking for. 

Boot, comes into sitting-room. Tad takes costume box 
and exits R. 

Boot. What's all the row ? 

Sal. Dere he is. Dat's him. Mr. Policeman, dere's de 
man. I wants him arrested. 

Riley. Sure. This colored lady has made a complaint 
against you, sor. 

Boot. What is the charge? 

Riley. She says there is a man here masquerading as a 
lady, and that's agin the law. 

Boot. Why, it's perfectly absurd. It makes me laugh. 
(Laughs.) 

Sandy. Absolutely ridiculous! (Laughs.) 

Fleurette. Positively killing! (Laughs.) 



so KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Boot, (loud laughter). A man masquerading as a lady! 
Whoever heard of such a thing! 

Sal. You said it was your wife. And if she wasn't a 
man, how come she was dressed dat way? 

Boot. My wife always wears the latest creations. That 
was the newest thing in afternoon costumes, Salamanca. 

Riley. This sounds suspicious. Til just take a look at 
your wife. 

Boot. Oh, impossible. My wife never allows policemen 
to look at her. (Sal. talks to Policeman in pantomime.) 

Sandy (aside to Boot.). I have an idea. Leave it to me. 
I'll fix things for you. 

Boot. You're always fixing things. You fixed things 
before in great shape. 

Sandy (coming to Riley at C). Mr. Benbow was jest- 
ing. Of course you can see his wife. (Takes Fleurette 
by hand.) This is Mrs. Benbow. Allow me to present his 
wife. 

Boot. What! 

Fleurette. His vife! Me, Mimi Fleurette, his vife? 

Sandy. Of course. You are his wife, ain't you? 

Fleurette. Oh, yes ; certainment, I am his vife. 

Sandy (triumphantly, to Riley). There. What did I 
tell you. 

Riley (to Fleurette). Begorry, I'm glad to meet you. 
(To Sal.) Sure, you must be crazy to call this illigint 
young lady a man. I've a good notion to run yeez in for 
contempt of court. 

Sal. Boss, lemme explain — 

Fleurette (to Riley). Ah, sir, I fear zee poor black 
lady is vat you call a little crazy in ze head. 

Sal. Who? Me? Who you callin' crazy in de haid? 

Fleurette (winningly to Riley). Will not ze grand po- 
lice officer sit down and have with us ze cup of tea ? 

Riley. Sure and I don't mind if I do. 

Sal. But I also wants ma money, ma nine dollars and 
nineteen cents. 

Riley. Sure, begorry I'd forgotten all about that. She 
says yez owe her nine dollars and nineteen cints. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 51 

Boot. Tis true, officer. I don't deny that. {To Fleu- 
RETTE.) My dear, have you any small change about? 

Fleurette {looks in purse). Helas, mon mari^ no. I 
have only ze fifty cents. 

Sandy. Leave it to me. Come into the dining-room 
and have a cup of tea. 

Riley. Til do it, and I beg pardon, sor, fer disturbin' so 
fine a young couple on their honeymoon. 

(Sandy, Fleurette and Boot, go into bed-room, fol- 
lowed by Riley.) 

Riley {looks around). Begorry, it's a peculiar looking 
dining-room. 

Sandy. Oh, these flats are so small, every room has to 
do double service. The room we just left was the kitchen. 
{All sit around table.) 

Boot. Leviticus ! 

Enter Leviticus from R. 

Leviticus. Yas, sah, yere I is. 

Boot. You may serve the tea in here. 

Leviticus. Serve what? 

Boot. The tea. Are you deaf ? 

Leviticus. Deed, boss, we ain't got no tea. Nothin' but 
— {zuhispers in Boot's ear.) 

Boot. All right ; that'll do ; but serve it in tea cups. And 
say, Leviticus, have you got ten dollars ? 

Leviticus Ten dollars? No, sah; if I had dat much 
money, I'd get married. {Exit R.) 

Sandy. And now, Mrs. Benbow, won't you entertain us 
with a little music until the tea is ready? 

Fleurette. Ah, zat will be a grand pleasure. 

Fleurette introduces specialty. During the singing of 
this Leviticus serves tea and wafers. All sit at table and 
eat. 

Boot, {draivs Leviticus down stage and speaks to him 
aside). Leviticus, I think your lady friend is waiting out 
there in the other room. (Leviticus goes into sitting-room 
and finds Sal. asleep.) 



52 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Leviticus (kisses her). Wake up, fair star ob de even- 
ing, and salute old man Moon. 

Sal. {awakens) . Go way, man. I ain't in no mood for 
jollification. 

Riley {at table in other room). Sure and this is the 
finest tay I ever drank. I wish me own wife would serve 
tay like this. If she did, I'd spind more time at home, 
begorry. 

Boot. Have some more, officer. {Fills his cup from 
tea-pot.) 

Leviticus. Salamanca, honey, has you got ten dollars? 

Sal. Yes, I has, and I'se goin' to get nine dollars and 
nineteen cents more before I leaves dis house. I'se goin' 
to hab you all arrested. 

Leviticus. What? You wouldn't hab your own true 
Leviticus arrested, would you? 

Sal. Yes, I would. You is too obstreperous for me. 

Leviticus. No, I ain't, honey. I don't love no one else 
but you. 

Sal. And is you goin' to take me to de circus tomorrow ? 

Leviticus. Ob course I is. And more'n dat, I'se goin' 
to marry you some day, jest as soon as I git enough money 
saved up. 

Sal. Honest, is you? 

Leviticus. Ob course I is. Now you lend me dat ten 
dollars. 

Sal. What you want it for? 

Leviticus. I wants it to buy you an engagement ring. 
Dat's what I wants it for. I'm going to get you a diamond 
solitaire set wif pearls and carbuncles, dat's what I is. 

Sal. {produces money). And is we engaged to get mar- 
ried, Leviticus? 

Leviticus {tries to grab money). Yes, Salamanca, we 
is engaged. 

Sal. {holding money from him). I'se got to hab a wit- 
ness, I has. 

Leviticus. Gimme dat ten dollars and you can hab a 
whole city full ob witnesses. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. S3 

Sal. {gives it to him reluctantly). Remember, you'se 
goin' to buy me an engagement ring with dat money. 

Leviticus. Yes, honey, you'll get dat ring sure. 

Boot. Leviticus ! 

Leviticus. Yas, sah. Tse comin'. {Goes into bed- 
room.) 

Boot, {meeting him). Did you get it? 

Leviticus. . Yas, sah. There she am. Ten dollars. 

Boot. Ah, very good. Much, obliged. I'll give you fif- 
teen tomorrow. 

Leviticus {anxiously). Don't forget it, boss. Please 
don't forget it. 'Cause tomorrow is circus day, and some- 
times you has a powerful short memory. {Exit R.) 

Fleurette. Husband, ze officer say he must have ze 
nine dollarie and nineteen cents. 

Boot. ^^ hy, certainly, my love. Here it is. {Gives her 
tzi'o five-dollar bills.) 

Fleurette. Ah! Now, officer, here is ze money. {Gives 
it to him.) 

Riley. Begorry, you're a fine lot of people and it's a 
fine visit I've had. {Gaes to sitting-room.) See here, you. 
{To Sal.) 

Sal. Yes, sah. Well, does I get it, or don't I get it? 

Riley. Sure. Yez gets five and I gets five ; and don't 
yez be troubling me again. 

Sal. Is five all I gets ? 

Riley. And don't yez think the police force has to make 
a livin'? I'm a married man, I am. {Hands her bill.) Now, 
sure you'd better clear out of here and not be after having 
dacent people arristed agin. 

Sal. And all I gets is five dollars. Well, when we suf- 
fragettes gets in office wx's goin' to hab lady policemen, and 
I sure is goin' to send in ma application for de job. Den 
I'll show you what is what. 

Riley. Lady policemen, is it? 

Sal. Yas sah ; and we won't take no back talk from de 
Irish. {Exit C.) 

Riley. She insulted me. And right before me very face. 



54 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Come back here, you black gorilla ; you're arristed for con- 
timpt of court. {Exit C.) 

Boot. Fleurette, you're a brick. {Brings her in sitting- 
room.) I never can thank you enough for what you have 
done for me today. 

Fleurette {coyly). Ah, zat is nothing, monsieur • 
nothmg. ' 

Boot. But it is. You almost saved my life. {Kisses 
her hand.) 

Enter Leviticus in time to see the kiss. 
Leviticus. Oh, golly! I begs your pardon. 
Fleurette. Don't mention it. I was just going. {Cross 

% ;^ ^/ff ^ ^'^^ ^^ ^^^^•) ^^ ^evoi^^ my little husband. 
{Exit CD.) 

Leviticus. Seems to me dat lady's kind o' familiar, boss, 
bhe called you her Httle husband. 

Boot. Of course she did. That was my wife 

Leviticus. Your what? 

Boot. My wife. 

Leviticus. Say, boss, how many wives has you got ? 

Boot. Oh, don't bother me. I've got so many troubles 
now. 

Enter Shorty, C. D. 

Shorty. Say, Boots, the suffrage parade is coming. 
Your mother is the leader and they're all coming here to 
call on your wife. 

Boot, {aghast). To call on my wife? Which wife? I 
mean—which one of my wives— I mean— oh, I don't know 
what I do mean. {Runs into bed-room.) Tad, Tad ! Sandy » 
Bring my wife here quick! 

Enter Sandy follozved by Tad from R. Tad wears skirt 
and wig and is trying to get into the waist of the costume. 

Tad. I got part of it on, but I can't get in the waist. I 
must have taken on weight last week. 

^ Music heard outside. The Suffragette. March. Tune, 
There is a Tavern in the Tozvn.'' 

Shorty. Hurry up. They're all coming in here. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 55 

Boot. Hurry up! Get it on somehow. My mother is 
coming to call on you. 

(Tad makes violent efforts to dress, assisted by Sandy.) 

Boot, {runs into sitting-room). Leviticus, you and 
Shorty go down and head 'em off. My wife ain't ready. 
{Music heard nearer. Exit Leviticus and Shorty, C. D.) 

Tad {yells). You're squeezing the Hfe out of me! 

Sandy. Give me a pin. I want some pins. 

Boot, {runs into bed-room). Here's a whole paper of 
pins. 

Sandy {to Tad). Now, stand still while I pin you up 
the back. 

Tad {stuck with pin). Ouch! Say, Boots, tell them your 
wife's gone to the country. {Music loud right outside of 

CD) 

'^ Leviticus is pushed through C. D. 

Leviticus. Run, boss; run. De whole house is full of 
women. Dey like to killed and murdered me when I tried 
to stop 'em! (Runs out R.) 

Boot, {running distractedly around the stage). Hurry, 
up, Tad ! Hurry ! It's my last chance. 

Leviticus runs on from R. carrying large ax and bucket 
of water. 

Leviticus. Lemmeat'em! Lemmeat'em! {Music and 
noise outside.) 

Boot. They're breaking down the door. 

Leviticus {crazvls under table). Dis is my last hour on 
earth. 

Mrs. B. {heard outside). Booties, Booties, where are 
you? 

Boot. Here I am, mamma. Come right in. 

Enter, marching, three supers {men dressed as women, 
playing fifes and snare drums, followed by Mrs. B., Ma, 
Mrs. M., Selina, Juliet, Fleurette, and lastly Sala- 
manca, beating a bass drum. Several have banners 
reading ''Votes for Women!' ''Down zvith the Men'' "Let 
the Women Rule," etc. Others have horns, pennants, etc. 



56 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

They march once around the stage and then line up in front 
for song. Sandy in bed-room is making violent efforts to 
dress Tad. Boot, runs around stage distractedly, Leviti- 
cus sticks head out from under table. 

SUFFRAGETTE SONG. 
(To tune of ''There is a Tavern in the Town!') 
There is a movement going round, going round, 
WeVe conquered every state and town, state and town, 
And every woman in the land 
Will soon be voting like a man ! 

Down with men, our war cry ringing, 

As we march let's all be singing, 

For the women they are bound to rule the world, the world ! 

.Then on to vict'ry, on to vic-to-ry. 

We'll trample down the men, and we'll be free, 

To vote and be elected is our cry. 

The sufifragettes will do or die. 

We want a lady president, president. 
To rule the world is our intent, our intent. 
The lady poHce will run men in. 
The lady judge will take their tin. 

Down with the men, our war cry ringing, etc. 

Then forward, sisters, to the fray, to the fray. 
We'll win our battle, yea or nay, yea or nay, 
The men will have to stay at home 
And wash the dishes while we roam. 

Down with the men, our war cry ringing, etc. 

Mrs. B. Ladies, sisters, workers in the cause, it is in- 
deed a pleasure for me to vist your beautiful little city. 

Ladies {applaud), Llear, hear! 

Sal. Hurray! {Hits bass drum.) 

Mrs. B. We are here to show the men what we can do. 
We are here to demand our rights. We are here not to beg 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 57 

for the ballot, but to demand it, and if it is refused we are 
ready to fight, yea to die, in the grand and glorious cause 
of Woman's Rights. (Ladies wildly applaud.) 

Sal. Hurray! (Hits drum.) 

Mrs. B. The men say we are not able to rule. Show 
me a married man who dares to assert that the women are 
not able to rule. 

Sal. Yas! Show him to me! Show him to me! 

Mrs. B. The time has come for the women to do some- 
thing. We have been idle too long. Sisters, we shall be 
idle no longer. (Ladies applaud.) 

Sal. Hurray! (Hits drum.) 

Mrs. B. We want the ballot, we want to be elected to 
office, we want w^omen policemen, women judges, women 
sailors, women soldiers. In fact, we want the earth. 

Sal. Dat's right. We want the earth. 

Mrs. B. Booties, where is your wife? We have come to 
her to take her with us. She, too, must take up the grand 
and glorious cause of female suffrage. 

Boot. Til see where she is. (Goes into bed-room.) 

Tad. It's no use. I can't get into it. 

Boot. Then put a shawl on and come anyway. 

Sandy. Hold still. Give me a big pin. 

Tad. Ouch! Sandy, you're killing me! 

Mrs. M. Sandy! My husband is in that room. 
(Screams.) 

Mrs. M. runs over to hedroom, enters it, sees Sandy, 
bangs banner over his head, forces him to his knees. 

Sandy. My wife ! Help ! help ! It's all a mistake ! 
(Boot, takes Tad by hand and leads him to Mrs. B.) 

Boot. Mamma, here is my wife. She says she is already 
a suffragette. 

Ladies. She is? Hurray! 

Sal (excitedly). Dat ain't his wife! Dat ain't his wife! 
(Takes Fleurette by hand and leads her to Mrs. B.) Dis 
am his wife. I heard her say so. 

Fleurette. Of course I am Booties' wife. 

All. You ? 



58 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Fleurette. Yes, we were married this morning. 
Weren't we, Booties? 

Boot. Yes, of course. I mean no. No, this is my wife. 
(Indicating Tad.) 

All. Oh, Booties, how many wives have you ? 

Boot. I don't know. Sandy, Sandy, where are you? 

Sandy (meekly). Here I am. (Mrs. M. leads him in 
by ear,) 

Mrs. B. (points to Tad). This is your wife and you 
know it. You said her name was Flora McFlimsey. 

Enter Riley, C. D, 

Riley (to Mrs. B.). The Mayor sint me here to infor- 
rum yez that the suffragoots will have to make less noise 
on the strate. Sure we will have no riots here, or Til arrist 
the whole bunch of yez. 

Sal. Policemen, isn't dis yere lady (indicates Fleu- 
rette) dat man's wife? (Points to Boot.) 

Riley. Av coorse she is, and a foine little lady she is, 
too. 

Boot. Sandy, help me out of this. 

Sandy. Why, it's the simplest thing in the world. Both 
of these ladies are ^otles' wives. 

All. Both of them? 

Sandy. Certainly. Booties has joined the Mormons and 
hath taken unto himself two wives, and they're both suf- 
fragettes. 

Mrs. B. Is it possible? 

Tad. Sure, we're suffragettes. Come on ; fall in line. 
Start up the band. We'll march over to the Mayor's office 
and take him by storm. Ladies, attention ! Present arms ! 
Now, forward, march! 

(Band plays. Ladies march around stage, shouting and 
waving pennants. Riley and Leviticus fall in line. Boot. 
shakes hands zvith Sandy down C. Swell music as — ) 

Slow Curtain. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 59 



Act III. 

Same Scene as Act 11. Lights on full. Music takes up 
the curtain. Boot, discovered at C, D. looking out. 

Boot, (coining dozen C. in sitting-room). Now let me 
see where I stand. Dad thinks Tm married to my room- 
mate; the policeman thinks Vm married to the costumer, 
and my mother thinks I'm married to both of them. And 
it's all due to the way Sandy fixed things. Poor old Sandy. 
He did his best. He'll have a harder times to fix things 
with his wife than he did for me. If I don't hear from 
the Speed Motor Car Company this week, I'm going to 
touch dad for a twenty and take a model of my air brake 
over to them myself. 

Enter Mrs. B. and Fleurette at C. D. 

Mrs. B. Booties Benbow, what does this mean? 

Boot. What does what mean, mamma ? 

Mrs. B. That man you are trying to palm afif as your 
wife. 

Boot. Man? What man? 

Mrs. B. Don't pretend to misunderstand. I know every- 
thing. You have deceived us. 

Boot. Deceived you? Why, I never dreamed of deceiv- 
ing you. 

Mrs. B. We went to the sufifragist meeting, I made a 
speech, and that man you said was your wife got excited, 
jumped on a chair and started to give the college yell. 
{Walks lip and down excitedly.) Oh, I never was so mor- 
tified in all my life. 

Boot, {follozving her up and down). Be calm, mamma. 

Fleurette {same business). Yes, madame, be calm. 

Boot. It was all a mistake of Sandy's. He was trying 
to play a joke on me. This is my wife. 

Fleurette. Zat is vat I say all along. I am heez wife. 

Mrs. B. And that other impostor? 

Boot. That was my room-mate. Tad Cheseldine. He 
was rehearsing for the college play the day you and father 



60 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

visited us and, just for a joke, Sandy introduced him as my 
wife. 

Mrs. B. Then it was all a joke? 

Boot. Yes, all a joke. This is my only wife. 

Mrs. B. Come, my dear, we must get back to the meet- 
ing. I have another speech to make. (Cross to C D. with 
Fleurette.) Booties, you'd better be careful and not joke 
with your father. He don't Hke jokes. (Exit C. D. with 
Fleurette.) 

Boot, (sinks in chair). Now where do I stand? 

Enter Tad from R. He comes into sitting-room. 

Tad (his dress and hat awry). I had to sneak in the 
back way. They found me out and I nearly was mobbed. 

Boot. It served you right. Why on earth did you ha\e 
to jump on a chair and give the college yell? 

Tad. That's all the thanks I get for trying to help you 
out of your scrape. (Starts to R.) 

Boot. Where are you going? 

Tad. I'm going to get into my clothes again. I can't 
breathe in this dress. (Exit R.) 

Enter Mr. B., C. D. 

Mr. B. (coming dozvn to Boot, in sitting-room). Ah, 
Booties, my boy, I'm glad to see you. (Shakes hands.) 
How's the wife? 

Boot. The wife — which wife? I mean, she's all right. 
Both of them are. 

Mr. B. (surprised). Why, what are you talking about? 

Boot. I don't know. I'm so excited. Mother has just 
been here with a bunch of suffragettes and it got me so ex- 
cited. 

Mr. B. I can't see why your mother persists in such non- 
sense. She's over at the Town Hall making a speech, so I 
came to call on you in your cosy little home. 

Boot. Awfully glad to see you, dad. Let me hang up 
your hat. 

Mr. B. (rubbing hands). I tell you, Booties, things are 
booming. My new cracker is making a wonderful hit. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 61 

Here's some samples. Have a cracker? (Produces tin box 
and hands him one,) 

Boot, (takes one and eats). Thanks. They're awfully 
good. 

Mr. B. (proudly). I guess they are. They're making all 
my competitors sit up and take notice. 

Boot, (jnaking zvry face at cracker). Yes, they ought 
to make some one sit up and take notice. 

Mr. B. How's business with you? 

Boot. I sent th.e blue print of the air-brake to the Speed 
Motor Car Company last week, and I'm waiting to hear 
from them. 

Mr. B. (slaps him on back). Good. You'll be a famous 
man some day, Booties, my boy. I'm glad you left college. 

Boot. Sometimes I wish I were back again. When I 
hear the fellows singing at night and see them going with 
arms interlocked over the old campus, it makes me feel like 
a scoundrel to have been kicked out of college. 

Mr. B. Nonsense. You're a man of family now. 

Boot, (at R.). Who — me? Not yet; not yet. 

Mr. B. (at C). Where is Flora? 

Boot. Flora? Flora who? 

Mr. B. (surprised). Why, Flora, my daughter-in-law. 
Your wife. 

Boot. Oh, you mean that Flora. She's around some- 
where. I think she's putting a couple of new tires on the 
car. 

Mr. B. Call her in. I want to have a talk with her. 

Boot. Honest, dad, I don't think Flora is well 'today. 
She can't talk. 

Mr. B. Nonsense. If she can put tires on that touring 
car, I guess she's well enough to see me. 

Boot. She's doing that for exercise. The doctor or- 

Enter Tad, R., dressed as girl. 

Tad (at L. of Mr. B.). Boots, is everything all right? 
Oh, I beg pardon. 

Mr. B. Flora, come in. I w^ant to see you. 
Tad. Oh, no; I'm too bashful. 



62 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Mr. B. That's no way to talk to your father-in-law. 
Come here and kiss me Hke a dutiful daughter. 

Tad (positively). Nothing doing. Nothing doing. The 
doctor positively forbids me to kiss anyone. It's not good 
for my complexion. 

Mr. B. And how are the two little turtle doves getting 
along here in Honeymoon Flats? 

Boot, (at R.). Fine. We are leading an ideal life. 

Tad. Bet your boots. This is some life we are leading. 

Mr. B. Remember, Booties, I'm awfully proud of you. 
Do you know I'd give ten thousand dollars if I were a 
grandfather. 

Tad. What ! 

Boot, (after a pause). There, now, dad, you've offended 
my wife. You have no idea how bashful she is. Why she's 
as modest as a little mountain daisy. 

Tad. I think I'll go to my room. You'll excuse me, 
won't you, father. I have some plain sewing and cross 
stitching to do this afternoon. I'm making the dearest little 
doilies. (Cross to L.) Awfully glad you called — and we 
need some more money. Yes, we do. Booties. You know 
what a dreadful scene we had with the wash-lady this after- 
noon. It's so hard to get along on only two hundred a 
month. (Exit throiigh bedroom and otit R.) 

Mr. B. What does she want — the earth? 

Boot. I'd better go to her, dad. I think you hurt her 
feelings. She's so sensitive that it hurts her. Just sit here 
and wait. I'll be back directly. (Exit R.) 

Enter Mrs. B. and Fleurette at C. D. 

Mrs. B. Ah, there you are. I just dropped by for you. 
You must come over and meet the mayor. 

Mr. B. Haven't got time. I've got to catch the next 
train back home. 

Mrs. B. Where are the girls? I thought they were with 
you. 

Mr. B. No. Betty has gone riding with Miss Gray. 
I'm to meet them here in about fifteen minutes. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 63 

Mrs. B. (leading Fleurette down to him). I want you 
to meet Booties' wife. 

Mr. B. Fve just been talking to her. She's doing cross 
stitching in her room. 

Mrs. B. Impossible. My dear, this is Mr. Benbow, 
vour father-in-law\ 

Mr. B. What? 

Mrs. B. This is your new daughter, Benjamin. This is 
Booties' wife. 

Mr. B. Say, how many wives has Booties got? 

Mrs. B. Oh, that other one was only his room-mate. 

Mr. B. What! 

Mrs. B. It was Tad Cheseldine masquerading as a 
woman. 

Mr. B. Masquerading? I don't understand. 

Mrs. B. Neither do I. But I think it was only a college 
joke. This is the real Mrs. Benbow, junior. 

Fleurette. Ah, yes; it is true. I am ze real Mrs. 
Benbow. 

Mr. B. Indeed? How long have you been married? 

Fleurette (rattled). How long? I do not know. I never 
can remember little zings like zat. 

Mr. B. (loudly). And where is your license, madame? 
Where is your license? 

Fleurette. My license? Let me see — where is my li- 
cense. Enter Selina from C. D. 

Selina. Is Mis' Benbow here? 

Mrs. B. Yes ; I am Mrs. Benbow. 

Selina. I came from the meeting. They're all ready 
for your speech. 

Mrs. B. Good gracious! (To Fleurette.) Come, dear, 
we must hurry. (Exit C. D.^ followed by Fleurette.) 

Selina. Yes, that's right. You gotta hurry. You'd 
better come on over, mister, and see the show. It don't cost 
nothing. (Exit CD.) 

Mr. B. I think Booties is trying to bamboozle me. I 
don't believe he is married at all. 

Enter Riley from C. D. 



64 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Riley {not seeing Mr. B., who is seated at R,), Begorry, 
I think there's something suspicious going on here right 
before me very face. Sure the young man claimed to have 
two wives and that's agin the law. I think Til arrest the 
whole bunch of 'em on the charge of arson. 

Mr. B. {rises and comes to him). An officer! 

Riley. Yis, sor, and me name's Riley. 

Mr. B. What are you doing here? 

Riley. I'm going to pull the house. A young man told 
me right before me very face that he liad two wives, and 
thot's agin the law. 

Mr. B. {hands him a dollar bill). 1 wonder if you v(^ould 
do a little work for me? 

Riley {looks at bill). Sure, he's trying to bribe me. 
{To Mr. B.) I beg pardon, sor, but do you think I'd accept 
a bribe? 

Mr. B. a bribe? Certainly not. Whoever heard of a 
policeman accepting a bribe ? 

Riley {pockets it). And right before me very face. {To 
Mr. B.) Well, I'm glad you look at it in that light. 

Mr. B. I want you to stay around here and keep your 
eyes open. I want to find out how many wives that young 
man has, or if he h.as any at all. Report to me and I'll give 
you ten dollars. 

Riley. Ah, ha ! Is it some detective work yez want me 
to be doing? 

Mr. B. Something like that. 

Riley. I'll do it. I'll go home and disguise myself as 
a college student. Then I'll return and surround the house. 
{Exit C. D.) 

Mr. B. If I find out that Booties has been deceiving me, 
I'll fire him out of the house and not a penny of my money 
will ever come his way. {Exit C. D.) 

Enter Boot, from R. He enters sitting-room. 

Boot. I've finally persuaded Tad to keep on playing my 
wife for the rest of the day. I wish the family would go 
back home and leave us here in peace. {Knock on C. D.) 
Come in. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 65 

Enter Betty and Jonquil from C. D. 

Betty (coming to Boot.). Booties! 

Boot, (shaking hands). Betty! 

Betty. This is Miss Gray. Of course you remember 
her. 

Boot, (shaking hands ivith Jonquil). As if I could ever 
forget. 

Jonquil. And Tve quite recovered from my little spell 
of deafness, Mr. Benbow. Have you? 

Boot. Oh, yes; quite recovered. Awfully glad to see 
you. You must stay over for the show tonight. 

Betty. Where's Flora? 

Boot. Oh, do you want to see Flora, too ? 

Betty. Of course we do. We came to call on your wife. 

Boot. She'll be delighted. (Goes to R. and calls.) 
Flora! Oh, Flora! 

Enter Tad, R. 

Tad. Yes, hubby, what is it? 

Boot. My sister and Miss Gray. 

Tad (advancing to Betty). Oh, you dear thing. (Kisses 
her,) 

Boot. Here, here, cut that out. 

Betty (at R. of sitting-room with Tad). What's the 
matter ? 

Boot, (at L. zvith Jonquil). You mustn't kiss my wife. 
I don't allow anyone to kiss my wife but me. 

Tad. Nonsense. (Meets Jonquil at C). So glad you 
have called. (Kisses her.) 

Boot, (grabs Tad and whirls him to L.). You wait till I 
get you alone. 

Jonquil (goes to Betty at R.). How he treats her. 

Betty. I don't think they can be very happy together. 

Boot. There's germs in kissing and I don't want Flora 
to get germs. 

Jonquil (to Tad). We want to take you over to the 
Suffrage Meeting. Mrs. Benbow is going to speak on 
"What a Wife Owes Her Husband." 

Tad. I know what one husband owes his wife. 



66 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Betty {looking at wrist watch). Oh, Jonquil, it is way 
past the time. Mamma must be speaking now. We'd better 
hurry. 

Jonquil. Yes. {To Tad.) Won't you come with us, 
Mrs. Benbow? 

Tad. No, I don't think I can today. I've got to shave. 

Girls. Shave? 

Tad. I mean my husband has to shave, and he never 
Hkes to have me out when he has to shave. 

Betty. Booties, what's become of Mr. Cheseldine? I 
haven't seen him today. Aren't you and he chums any 
longer ? 

Boot. Well — er — 

Jonquil. Probably your wife doesn't approve of Mr. 
Cheseldine. 

Betty. I don't see why. I think he's a perfect dear. 
(To Tad.) Don't you? 

Tad. My opinion exactly. 

Betty. And he's so good looking. Isn't he? 

Tad. Do you think so? {At C. with Betty.) 

Betty. I should say I do. I don't mind telling you, as 
it's all in the family, but I'm perfectly crazy about Mr. 
Cheseldine. 

Tad. That's nice. That's awfully nice. He's perfectly 
crazy about you, too. 

Betty {eagerly). How do you know? Did he tell you 
so? Does he ever talk about me? 

Tad. He never talks about anybody else. He said that 
you were the only girl he could ever learn to love. 

Jonquil {cfosses to C. D.^ leaving her parasol behind at 
R.). Come, Betty, we must hurry. 

Tad. Oh, don't go yet. The conversation is just begin- 
ning to get interesting. 

Betty. If you see Mr. Cheseldine, tell him to come over 
to the Suffrage Meeting. Fll be waiting for him. 

Tad. He'll be there. Johnny on the spot. 

Jonquil {at door). Good-bye. We've had such a charm- 
ing visit, 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 67 

Betty (to Tad). Good-bye. I'm awfully fond of you, 
Flora. (Kisses him.) 

Boot, (tearing his hair). Here, here, cut that out! 

Betty. Good-bye. We'll be back to lunch. (Exit C. D. 
with Jonquil.) 

Tad (removes skirt of dress). Now, it's fare-the-well, 
Flora McFHmsey. (Addressing skirt.) You've done been 
a good old wife, but you've got to find a new husband. 
(Door hell rings.) 

Boot, (alarmed). There's some one at the door. Put on 
that skirt. 

Tad. Nothing doing. Tell them I've skipped to Cuba. 
(Runs out R.) 

Boot, (pursuing him). Come here. Wait a minute. 
(Runs out R.) 

Enter Betty and Jonquil from C. D. 

Betty (sees parasol). Here it is. (Takes it.) 
Jonquil. Thank you. 1 knew I left it here. 

Enter Tad from R. wiihout skirt, hiit with all other femi- 
nine make-up on. He runs on pursued by Boot. Tad 
dodges around table in bedroom and rttns in sitting-room. 

Girls (scream loudly). 

Tad (seeing girls). Good-night. 

Tad tries to run out C. D. but encounters Leviticus, who 
enters. They rush into each other, both fall to floor. Enter 
Boot, running from R. Tableau. 

Tad (rises minus the zvlg knocked off by Leviticus.) 
Excuse me. 

Girls (dozvn L.). It's Mr. Cheseldine. 

Boot, (at C). No, it's his twin sister. It's my wife. 

Betty. It is not. Vd know Mr. Cheseldine anywhere. 
You are Mr. Cheseldine, aren't you? 

Tad (holding up left hand). Guilty, yer honor. 

Jonquil (crosses to Boot.). Then you haven't any wife 
at all? 

Boot. Nobody but Tad. 

Jonquil. But Vv^hy did you pretend? 



68 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Boot, (at L, with her). The governor was going to kick 
me out, but he said he'd forgive me if I were married. So 
I told him I was and he made us an allowance of two hun- 
dred a month. We moved over here to Honeymoon Flats 
and Tad and I have been keeping h.ouse ever since. 

Betty {to Tad at R.), And I thought you were Flora 
McFlimsey. Oh, I'm so ashamed of the things I said. 
What will you think of me? 

Tad. Just wait till I get some other clothes on and Til 
tell you. Come on, Leviticus. This is no place for us. 
{Exit R.) 

Leviticus. Ain't all dis yere goings on scand'lous ? I'se 
jest about mortified to death. Dis yere job am gettin' too 
antedeluvious for nie, so I reckon dis yere colored gentle- 
man gotta get another position. Reckon I'd better get mar- 
ried to Salamanca Spivins. Den I won't have to do no more 
work. {Exit R. muttering to himself.) 

Boot, {to Jonquil). Can you ever forgive me? 

Jonquil. Of course I can. It was all a college joke. 

Boot. I've been interested in you ever since you won 
that race from me the day I was kicked out of college. You 
drive your car like a professional. Have you ever been in 
a big race? 

Jonquil. Never, but I'd love to. To see the road and 
the scenery spinning away from you at fifty or sixty miles 
an hour, to feel the cut of the wind, to know that you have 
perfect control of your car as you hear the regular knock- 
knock of the engine, and to know that you are free, free 
and winning — ah, that is life. 

Betty. Booties, why don't you ask us out to lunch ? I'm 
so hungry I could eat a bear. 

Boot. I w^as just going to suggest it. Let's go over to 
the Inn. Tad will join us later. 

Betty. Oh, you're a dear. Come on. Jonquil. {Exit 
C. D.) 

Jonquil. I'm awfully glad you're not married, Booties. 

Boot. And so am I. Say, how would you like to drive 
my car? 

Jonquil. Oh, could I? Would you let me? 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 69 

Boot. Yes, Td let you, but you'd be the first girl who 
ever drove it. Come on. {Exit C. D. with Jonquil.) 

Enter Riley from C. D. He is disguised as a Freshman 
and enters cautiously. 

Riley. Sure Tm on the trail. I'll introduce myself as a 
new Frishman and find out whether the boy is married at 
all, at all. £^^^^, Leviticus, R. 

Leviticus. Here, boy, what you doin' here? What you 
want? 

Riley. Sh.! Naygur, come here. Tm Riley, the cop, but 
Fm in disguise. 

Leviticus. Go way, man ; you do get so familarious. 
What you want here? 

Riley. Fm trying to find out whether the young man is 
married or not. 

Leviticus. Here comes de students, now. You'd better 
ask dem. 

Enter Tad, Scotch, Slivers, Shorty and other students 
from C, jnarching lock-step and singing the chorus of 
''Boolar 

Tad {after song, comes to Riley). Well, who are you? 

Riley. Sure, Fm a Frishman at college. Fm a new 
student. 

Leviticus {drazvs Tad down R., others surround Riley). 
Say, boss, dat man is a detective. He is in disguise. 

Slivers {to Riley). Oh, so you're a new student, are 
you ? Boys, he says he is a new student. 

Tad. And do you know what generally happens to new 
students, Freshman? 

Riley. I do not. 

Tad. Before you can be a student, you've got to take 
the third degree. 

Riley {alarmed). The third degree, is it? 

Tad. Shorty, let's take him on a trip to the moon. 
(Shorty takes stout canvas blanket from bed and brings it 
to Tad.) 



70 KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Riley. Sure, and Til be taking no trips to the moon or 
anywhere else. 

Tad. Oh, you won't. Ready, fellows. {They seirjc 
Riley and trip him.) 

Riley {on floor). Help, help, let nre out of here. What 
are yeez goin' to do? 

Tad. We're going to send you to the moon. 

Riley. And right before me very face. Yez are not 
going to do onything of the kind. Tm no student. Tm 
Riley, the cop. 

Tad. He says he's a cop. 

Shorty. He's a Freshman impersonating an officer. 
Toss him in the blanket. 

Riley. I'm Officer Riley and the whole boonch of yez 
is under arrist. 

All. Throw him. {They roll him in blanket and toss 
him.) 

Riley. Hilp! hilp! I'm seasick. 

All. Up with him. Here she goes and there she goes. 

Riley. Hilp ! hilp ! 

Enter Mr. B. from C, D, 

Mr. B. What's going on here, anyway? 

Boys. Just a little trip to the moon. (Students run out 
C, D. and R.) 

Mr. B. Are you hurt? 

Riley {on floor , groaning). Sure, I'm paralyzed. I'm 
goin' to have the whole boonch arristed for contempt of 
court. 

Mr. B. Well, what did you find out about Booties Ben- 
bow? Is he married, or isn't he? 

Riley. The janitor of the building says h.e is not. It 
was all a joke on his old fool of a father. 

Mr. B. What? 

Riley. It sames that the old man was going to throw 
him out unless he got married, so he said he was married, 
and begorry the old simpleton gave him two hundred dollars 
a month. And he niver was married at all, at all. 

Mr. B. Oh, wait till T see him; that's all. 



KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 71 

Riley. Tin dollars, plaze. 

Mr. B. There's your money. Now get out and leave 
nie alone. 

Riley. Til go. Til go, but I'll come back and pull the 
house. (Exit C. D.) 

Enter Boot, from C. D. with Jonquil. 

Boot. Dad, I have a confession to make. I'm not mar- 
ried at all. 

Mr. B. Yes, you young scoundrel, I know everything. 

Boot. That is, I'm not married yet. But I'm going to 
be. That is, I expect to be. This young lady has just con- 
sented to become my wife. 

Mr. B. Well, she'll marry a pauper, then. I've done 
with you. You are no longer a son of mine. 

Enter Mr. Gears from C, D. 

Gears. I beg your pardon, I am looking for young Mr. 
Benbow. 

Boot. I'm the man. What can I do for you? 

Gears. My name is Gears. F. H. Gears. I'm the gen- 
eral manager of the Speed Motor Car Company. 

Boot. Glad to meet you, Mr. Gears. Won't you sit 
down. This is my father. 

Gears. We have received the blue prints of your air- 
brake, my boy. You are a genius. In behalf of my com- 
pany I offer you five thousand dollars cash and a royalty 
of fifteen per cent on your great invention. 

Boot. Five thousand cash! 

Gears. I have the papers with me. Will you sign the 
contract? 

Boot. I'd sign anything for five thousand dollars. 
(Takes contract.) 

Enter Tad, Betty, Scotch, Slivers, Shorty, Students 
and all male characters from C. D. 

Tad. Great news for you, Booties. The Senior class 
threatened to strike and the faculty have decided to let you 
come back to college and graduate. 

Boot. What! Is this true? 



n KICKED OUT OF COLLEGE. 

Tad. Every word. Shake, old pal. {Shake hands at C.) 
Boot. Tad, theyVe accepted my air-brake. I get five 
thousand dollars. 

Music heard outside. And then enter, C, D., all female 
characters singing the chorus of Suffragette Song. 

Mrs. B. {meeting Betty). Betty, come here. I want 
you to meet Booties' wife. 

Boot. Oh, that isn't my wife. That is Mile. Fleurette, 
the costumer. 

Mrs. B. But I don't understand. 

Boot. I'll explain later. Mother, I haven't any wife. 
That is, not yet. But if you will give me a little time I can 
supply the deficiency as soon as possible. 

Mr. B. Luella, come here. Our boy has been taken 
back into college. 

Mrs. B. Oh, Booties, I am so glad. 

Mr. B. And he has earned five thousand dollars with 
his patent air-brake. Under the circumstances, I think the 
best thing for me to do is to forgive him. 

All. Hurray ! 

Tad. What's the matter with Booties Benbow? 

All. He's all right. 

Tad. Who's all right? 

All. Booties ! 

Boot. I'm much obliged. And now that I'm a college 
student again let's all unite in the college yell. 

All {give local college yell.) 

Slow Curtain. . 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



M. F. 

Documentary Evidence, 25 min. 1 1 

Dude in a Cyclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min. .... 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 
Fun in a Photograph Gallery, 

30 min 6 10 

Great Doughnut Corporation, 

30 min 3 5 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Happy Pair, 25 min 1 1 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Carver's Fancy Ball, 40 m. 4 3 
Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 

min 3 2 

My Lord in Livery, 1 hr. . . . 4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min.. 3 3 

My Turn Next, 45 min 4 3 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr. . . . 4 6 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Obstinate Family, 40 min 3 3 

Only Cold Tea. 20 min . . 3 3 

Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min, 3 2 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Rough Diamond, 40 min 4 3 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith, the Aviator, 40 min... 2 3 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Treasure from Egypt, 45 min. 4 1 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two Bonnycastles, 45 min.... 3 3 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Which Will He Marry? 20 min. 2 8 

Who Is Who? 40 min 3 2 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 



VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

M. F. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... 2 3 
Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.lO 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 ni. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 
Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 

Counterfeit Bills, 20 min 1 1 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min.... 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

Five Minutes from Yell Col- 
lege, 1 5 min . . / 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 
Handy Andy (Neero), 12 min. 2 

Her Hero, 20 min.. 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 rnin 1 

Home Run, 15 min 1 1 

Hot Air, 25 min 2 1 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
Mischievous Nigger, 25 min ..42 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. Badger's Uppers, 40 min. 4 2 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 
Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min.. 4 

Oyster Stew, 10 min. .' 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10 

min 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min...... 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 m. 6 

Recruiting Office, 15 min 2 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
Uncle Bill at the Vaudeville, 

15 min .\ 1 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min \. 5 2 

Who Gits de Reward? 30 min. 5 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denlson's Catalogue 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W. Randolph St., Chicago 



POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 25 cents each 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

UMIiilillill 

015 907 649 i 




tN this Series 
-*- are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely 'made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over, 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Brand new, original, successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. ^■' 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
The Patriotic Speaker. 

Master thoughts of master minds. 



The Poetical Entertainer. 

For reading or speaking. 
Pomes ov the Peepul. 

Wit, humor, satire, funny poems. 
Scrap- Book Recitations, 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 14 Nos., per No. 26c. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children froni 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book, 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
'Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,vla the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Lar£:e Illustrated Catalogrue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, PublishersJ54 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



